The Break Up Letters
by Nine of Hearts
Summary: Blaine starts writing in a journal the day Kurt leaves and continues writing as the year progresses. It explores Blaine's headspace during season 4. (Follows canon). No spoilers. (Epilogue to come after the first three episodes of this season air)
1. Britney 20

**Author's Note: **A massive thank you to my lovely beta kshiying who made this story possible by pushing me on character timing and changing the format from just letters to a journal with a few scattered letters. She is seriously amazing and managed to help me despite the weird timing and my lack of writing until July.

I also have to thank voicelikehelvetica for encouraging me to keep writing, and more importantly for not once telling to shut up when I would spend days whining to her about character headspace and the timeline and any and pretty much my incessant rambling about all the annoying and painful bits and pieces of season 4. (Seriously though _the timeline._) Also thank you lots for stepping in at the last minute to do a last beta of everything.

* * *

Monday September 3rd, 2012

Kurt left for New York today. I know I pushed him to do that, because he deserves to live out his dreams and he just wasn't _happy_ staying here when he should have been in New York, but I miss him. It's been two hours since he texted me that he'd landed and I _miss him_. I miss him so much it hurts. I'm trying to be strong, though, and not call him a million times while he's busy catching up with Rachel and getting settled. He'll call me when he gets a free moment.

I should be doing homework right now, both to distract myself from him not being here, and because, well, I need to do my homework, but I kind of want to just lay here instead listening to Hey There Delilah repeatedly. Maybe I should sing that in Glee one of these days. Instead I'm apparently starting a diary. Wonderful. At least I don't have any pesky siblings to come find it and discover my deepest darkest secrets, and my parents don't poke around my room anymore (sorry about that booby trap three years ago mom). Whatever. I think I'm going to give this journaling thing a shot. I'm going to need some sort of outlet now that I won't be seeing Kurt on a daily (or even weekly) basis.

...And there's mom calling me for dinner. I guess I'll try to brainstorm a name for you while I'm gone.

-Blaine

* * *

Tuesday September 4th, 2012

Okay, hi diary. I still don't have a name for you. You can't respond to me though so I think it'll be okay. Anyways, my boyfriend is living in New York City right now?! I can't tell if that makes me feel immature being stuck back in high school while he's attempting to live the dream, or if it makes me feel really mature dating a guy who's no longer living with his parents and is off in the real world hunting for jobs.

This dichotomy describes my general feelings about Kurt being gone. I'm happy that he's on his way to showing the world how amazing he is, but at the same time I'm more than a little nervous that I'll lose him. I know he loves me and it's only been two days so I'm probably getting a bit ahead of myself here but, well, we never discussed how to maintain a long distance relationship before graduation, and then, when he didn't get into NYADA, we had no need to discuss it. We did sort of do the long distance thing back when I was at Dalton and he transferred back to McKinley, and that worked out alright. I missed him, sure, but we made it through without hitting any speed bumps. The high school – college difference and being in different states seems like a much bigger challenge though. Maybe we can do this and I'm getting nervous for nothing. We're KurtandBlaine. Even Santana agreed that we'd probably end up married with stupidly cute children.

And Kurt's skyping me! Time to go talk... and maybe possibly try to persuade Kurt that we should engage in non-talking activities...

-Blaine

* * *

Wednesday September 5th, 2012

This week has been really weird and it's not even Friday yet. First I ran into Brittany in the hallway _talking to herself_, and not in the normal I'm-thinking-out-loud way. She was narrating her plans to run for student council, and then when I asked her about it, she said she thought she was doing a voiceover. I know Brittany misses Santana what with her going off to college and having cheerleading taking up a lot of her time, but she is seriously going off the deep end. Artie and I tried to sing to her in glee club to cheer her up but I'm fairly certain that it didn't do any good. We did a mash up of Boys and Boyfriend, which was an awesome arrangement by the way, but she seemed fairly indifferent to it. I think we're going to have to stage an actual intervention soon if nothing changes. I'm worried about her; she's acting and dressing differently, she got kicked off the Cheerio's, and she keeps coming into class with these _huge_ cups of coffee that she must have special ordered because they do _not_ sell those at the Lima Bean (I asked Kurt about it last night and he told me that if they did he would have been the first to start bringing them into school).

I honestly don't know what to do to help her and I'm slightly scared about what will happen tomorrow at school because she seems to just be descending deeper and deeper into craziness. I would ask Kurt for some advice but he's painting the apartment with Rachel (the two of them settled on a huge, wall-less place extremely fast) so... I'll probably just spend the night dreaming about how awesome it would be if I were there with them living in New York and getting an apartment with my _boyfriend_ (and Rachel) and just living in a place that doesn't write you off based on your sexual orientation.

I have to stop thinking about how much I wish I were there too. It's not going to get me anywhere. Next week I think I'll start signing up for clubs to help me keep my mind off the absence of Kurt.

-Blaine

* * *

Friday September 7th, 2012

We staged an intervention yesterday for Brittany and insisted that she be our lead performer at the assembly that happened today. It turned out to be a big, _big _mistake though. Granted, any of us could have told you that it would be, but we just wanted to help her and thought she knew best. Apparently, she didn't though because we ended up performing (Britney Spears!) for the school. The only problem? We lip-synched to a recording of us that we made and the crowd figured it out because Brittany was not at all trying to make it look convincing. She was _eating_ during the performance for crying out loud. Obviously we did not end up finishing that performance, and, even worse, Mr. Schue got mad at us for it. I'm not entirely sure if he really realizes how much of a mess Brittany is because he didn't seem to think our trying to help her was a reasonable excuse for what we did. I guess it's not the most solid of excuses because we could apparently be in a world of trouble if the national glee club panel or whatever hears about it but… I don't think that should be more important to him than the fact that one of us is falling apart all over the place? I've never quite understood that guy and his priorities. One day, before I graduate, I hope to at least understand him a _little_ bit.

In other news, I survived my first week of school without Kurt. In some ways it was more difficult than I thought it would be, my memories of almost every spot in the school are tied to him. The choir room, the auditorium, and the stairwell by the courtyard have the strongest memories of him and it's just _strange_ knowing that it will be a while before I see him in these hallways again and that when I do it will always just be him visiting briefly before he leaves again. In other ways though, this week has been easier than I expected. As much as Brittany was worrying me all week, it provided a distraction. I wasn't thinking about Kurt as much when I was busy trying to come up with ways to make her feel better.

Here's hoping that next week is easier.

-Blaine


	2. Makeover

Monday September 10th, 2012

I joined about ten clubs in the past two days to try to fill my time with activities other than homework and missing Kurt. It's… kind of working. Some of the groups are just for fun, like the Superhero Sidekick Club and the Medieval Fantasy Club, but I also signed up for class president. I'm hoping that my campaign will occupy me even more than everything else. It's a bit unfortunate that the only other candidate seems to be Brittany, but based on her track record of doing nothing until prom last year, I should have an easy time gaining votes without either of us having to engage in underhanded tactics.

I'm really hoping that I do win. It was really unfortunate when Kurt lost last year, and I hope that by winning I will be able to implement a few of his ideas, as well as several of my own. If I get elected and all goes well I will be able to make McKinley a better place and ensure that the change is buoyed by school policies.

Really though, no matter what positive effects I can have on the population of McKinley and the help that all of these activities will give me on my college applications, I just need to make sure I'm doing productive things with my time to avoid missing Kurt too much. We text, Skype, and talk whenever we can, but it's not the same as having him here with me every day. I hate that I'm a year younger than him, but I'm really happy that I was able to help encourage him to go chase after his dreams. I'm glad that Burt helped me make it work! (Which reminds me… I have a new episode of Project Runway on my TiVo! I need to get Kurt to watch it with me over skype soon). Now if only I could fast forward to next year…

Aside from Kurt not being in Ohio, I think this year has the potential to shape into something really special. I've only gotten to go to one of my new clubs so far, but if the rest are anything like it, then I am in for some fun. And now it's time to hate watch some Treme with Kurt and try to help him remain calm because he has an interview at Vogue tomorrow!

-Blaine

* * *

Tuesday September 11th 2012

Dear Kurt,

I know I've said this to you already, but I am so proud of you for getting that internship at Vogue! I knew you could do it, and I knew people out there would see how amazing you truly are.

Things at McKinley are more or less the same as they were before you left. Britney came back to glee club - Sam coaxed her back and I think she's feeling a lot better now. I also think Sam might have a slight crush on her. She misses Santana a lot though. _God_ no wonder she felt the need for a Britney Spears style meltdown, she hasn't seen Santana since the middle of _August_. Now I feel guilty about missing you so much when you've only been gone two weeks.

I may have joined one or two or eight clubs in your absence. I'm a senior and it's my time to shine! Plus, now that you have Vogue you're already busier and I need _something_ to occupy my time. Oh! I'm also running for class president! It's against Britney but I think I can win. I mean, she didn't do _anything_ as president last year so that gives me an excellent start.

She appointed Sam as my running mate because apparently she has that power. Also, she introduced him to me... as if we'd never met. I cannot for the life of me figure out what goes on in that girl's head most of the time. Having Sam as my potential VP is going to be... interesting to say the least, seeing as how he asked me what a debate was. I still can't believe how much you were not exaggerating about the knowledge gaps half the students here seem to have. I do like Sam though - if nothing else, he's fun to be around and he's charismatic. I'm definitely glad that I didn't write him off after we ended up yelling at each other when we first met.

I better stop writing and study now! I hope your boss doesn't make you stay _too_ late. If you get back before 10 and feel up for having our little Skype date then, shoot me a text! ...Wait. You're not going to see this before then. Wow. I'm an idiot. Okay, I'm going to text you that instead of pretending the postal service would be capable of getting this to you in under four hours.

All of my love,

Blaine

P.S. The person they hired at the Lima Bean to replace you has nothing on you ;)

* * *

Tuesday September 11th, 2012

Guess what?! You know Kurt? My boyfriend who works at Vogue? Kurt got the Vogue internship. My boyfriend works at Vogue. My boyfriend's boss (at VOGUE) _loves_ him. Kurt Hummel, my boyfriend, who has been employed at Vogue for less than 12 hours already has adoring fans. I knew people in New York would see just how amazing he is. I only got to talk to him about it for a few minutes but he sounds _really_ happy. As he should.

Also, did I mention that his boss is Isabel Wright, fashion extraordinaire? I'm completely blown away by the success he's had after barely a week in New York.

Back in the world of McKinley however, I'm fairly certain that Mr. Schue has no ideas for Sectionals. Jake wanted to start preparing (which we should be doing, I seriously don't know how the New Directions have continually done so well the past three years with little to no prep. It's honestly impressive how much has been pulled off purely on talent in the past) but Mr. Schue couldn't give us a single song idea. But we do still have at least two months until Sectionals to prepare, so we're not anywhere near the realm of crisis mode (yet). Thank god.

Usually I wouldn't even notice Mr. Schue faltering like that, because Rachel would have been out of her seat in a heartbeat, claiming solos and duets with Finn. Or multiple people would have been clamoring to make sure Rachel doesn't automatically get lead. It's a weird culture change now that everyone from last year has left and the new recruits have joined us. There's a distinct lack of tension. Sure, people have minor issues with one another, but none of them had messy breakups or did horrible things to one another. I never thought I would miss that, but I do. Most of us barely know each other so we lack the cohesion and family feel that made the New Directions so great in the past, even when everyone was fighting, or breaking up (and getting back together).

This of course, did not stop Brittany from taking a moment to announce her presidential bid. Artie is her running mate, which reminded me that I needed one... leading to her finding me in the hallway, _introducing Sam to me_, and then telling me he was going to be my running mate.

I was wary of the suggestion at first because, well, Sam can be a bit of an idiot and I wanted to choose my own VP, but he did seem to have a handle on voting demographics and he means well, so, I accepted. Brittany challenged us to a debate on Friday too, which I now have to write a speech for and construct some talking points to shore up my campaign. (I would make campaign posters but there's no way they would even begin to live up to Kurt's so I am planning to skip that stage.) Here goes nothing.

By the way, did I mention that Kurt works _at VOGUE_ now?! Because my boyfriend, Kurt Hummel, got an internship at Vogue. His boss is Vogue editor Isabelle Wright. An editor at Vogue hand picked him to be her assistant. Okay I'll stop saying Vogue now.

-Blaine

PS I forgot to tell you, KURT HUMMEL IS VOGUE'S NEWEST EMPLOYEE!

* * *

Wednesday September 12th, 2012

Today I helped craft a wardrobe for Sam befitting a Vice Presidential candidate, while Kurt discussed "leather in unexpected ways!" - whatever that means - at Vogue. Then, tonight, while I was writing an English essay, _Kurt and Rachel broke into Vogue_. Yes, you read that right. My boyfriend and one of his crazy friends decided that breaking into Vogue to steal clothes for a makeover was a _good_ idea and an excellent way to ensure future continued employment at said establishment.

I'm all for fashion and Rachel updating her clothes a bit, but _breaking into Vogue?!_ I made Kurt promise to call or text me when they get back. Then I need to _yell at him_ or _something_ because seriously Kurt!? All he did earlier was send me a text with a picture of the clothing vault there and the caption "Breaking into Vogue to get Rachel a new wardrobe! :)" and seriously, WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE OF THAT?! I just hope they don't get arrested…

I'm going to go research New York prison sentences now because there's no longer any way I'm finishing that paper tonight.

-Blaine

* * *

Thursday September 13th, 2012

Dear Kurt,

I meant to mail that last letter to you, but I haven't really had the chance to buy stamps... and part of me doesn't want to send it anymore because you have no time lately and I'm afraid you'll think it's too much or just ignore it. So I think I might just keep these letters for me. They let me get all my thoughts out coherently without feeling pushy about it.

I'll start off with the happy stuff. It was wonderful to get to Skype with you again. We haven't been able to do that since you got the internship and seeing how happy you are, made _me_ really happy. Even if I can't be there in the flesh to show you how happy I am for you and how proud of you I am. The makeover that you pulled off for Rachel sounds _fantastic_, if not a bit terrifying because you _broke into Vogue,_ Kurt! You could have been _arrested_ if your boss weren't so flipping awesome about everything! How on earth did you come to the conclusion that it would be a good idea? Did they seriously give you the keys to the building in your first week working there?! Still, I am glad to hear that you will no longer be traumatized by Rachel's sweaters.

On the not happy side, it hurt when you brushed off my class President talk. I mean, I get it, you're in New York living your dream and you have an apartment and it's all new and exciting, but I miss you. And you not even caring to pick out my bowtie – which you've always insisted on doing – it makes me worry that you're moving on or something. Okay, maybe that's a little bit extreme, and you're not moving on, we're just drifting a bit, but I feel like we have so little time to talk to each other and we both have very different lives now, so we end up talking only about you, which, I'm excited about New York. I am _so_ proud of you Kurt, but sometimes it feels as though we're no longer having conversations because you have your life and I have mine and they don't naturally intercede… I don't know, maybe I'm being stupid and this isn't really a big deal or I'm just imagining it. But honestly? How could you not be moving on in some way? New York is this great big city with so much going on and I'm stuck back in Ohio. In high school, the same place I was last year.

I'm terrified that I'm losing you and you haven't even been gone a month. I'm also afraid that if I tell you that, you'll realize how much you really don't need me anymore and that'll be it. Or at the very least you'll think I'm being clingy by demanding so much of your time and that's just a burden you don't need or deserve to deal with right now.

I feel like I'm missing an arm or something without you here and I'm not sure what to do. I just feel so… lost sometimes walking the halls of McKinley without you.

Love always,

Blaine

* * *

Wednesday September 13th, 2012

Kurt and I got to Skype tonight - and actually hear each other's voices - for the first time since he got his internship. I'm... somehow it left me feeling a bit more lost and out of sorts than I was before we spoke.

He showed me the video that Rachel, Isabel, and him made last night after Isabel caught them breaking in. (Only Kurt and Rachel could have a situation like that turn into an excellent career opportunity.) The video looked wonderful of course, and it was really great to see him (and Rachel and Isabel) singing and smiling and carefree like that. The call kind of... went downhill from there though.

I know Kurt is excited about New York and I want him to be. I want to hear about it. I do. Maybe it was just the excitement of the video overriding everything else, but I felt like he didn't even care about anything going on in my life. Not that he was doing it on purpose, just that everything in New York is _more_. I spent so long helping him on his campaign last year though and he didn't even spare me twenty seconds to let me ask his opinion on what bowtie I should wear tomorrow. He _always_ wants to choose my bowtie. Or at least see the options.

It was wonderful to see him happy and smiling and _living_ though. He rarely used to smile about anything outside of his family, glee club, and our fashion/ musical/ other discussions. It was therefore pretty spectacular to see him smile about _everything_. I'm just feeling a little bit like he doesn't need me like I need him now that he has New York, and it kind of really scares me.

-Blaine

* * *

Thursday September 14th, 2012

The debate was today! It started off kind of rocky with, well, with Sam stripping _onstage_. I had just managed to convince myself that he wouldn't do something stupid too because he made an incredibly good suggestion to just not wear a bow tie for the debate. Then he stripped. I'm trying not to think about it because his abs are stellar and Brittany shot herself in the foot with her speech.

My speech went rather well I think. I may have meant to bring up something beyond Brittany's hair gel ban but I forgot. I would have been concerned but then Brittany sealed the deal for me by going off on an impassioned speech about her love of McKinley and how she would abolish weekends and vacations if elected.

Other than that, not much happened today. Kurt had to cancel our Skype date for work, but I did get a text from him saying that Anna - as in _Anna Wintour_ - thought his music video was great! It's unfortunate that I can't talk with him about it tonight, but that's what happens when your boyfriend is doing well at a place like Vogue. Hopefully we'll get to catch up tomorrow instead.

-Blaine

* * *

Thursday September 14th, 2012

Dear Kurt,

The debate was today. They moved it into the auditorium this year and made it not mandatory. I'm not sure why they did that, but at least there were less people there to witness Sam suddenly stripping onstage. Yeah. He started _stripping_ mid debate. I thought that we were done for (I'm not sure there were any girls in the audience to appreciate his abs) but then Brittany decided to go on and on about being in love with school and how she'd abolish weekends. Word of that spread like wildfire. So I think Sam and I have a chance.

My speech went… not exactly as planned. I'm not sure if it was the stress of Sam just stripping mid debate, or not enough practice or what, but part way through my time on stage I just kind of… snapped. And went off on a tangent about Brittany's hair gel ban. I have no idea why. Maybe I was just scared of losing a candidate who did _nothing_ except ban some hair products last year. Or I suddenly thought she might try to make the rule permanent. I don't know, but it's a really good thing that she completely messed up her platform because I would probably actually have to transfer if she banned hair gel. And because I honestly can't believe I just threw caution to the wind and based my case solely on her track record with hair gel rights.

There's not much else to say about the debate, except that Brittany can really pull off the professional look if she wants - even if she ruined the effect by promising the exact opposite of what everyone wants. The election is tomorrow from now. Wish me luck!

Love,

Blaine

* * *

Tuesday September 18th, 2012

Today was election day. I won. And I really don't care about it at all. Instead of celebrating my victory with everyone at the party Sugar was kind enough to throw me (she had two sets of banners just in case Britney won) at Breadstix, I basically spent the night realizing that I hadn't done any of this for me. All of it - the school transfer, the election, _everything_ - it was all for Kurt. Kurt who hasn't even had the chance to give me a call back about it all. Kurt who I'm in love with but feel like I'm losing. It's not even just that though, I just feel really really alone. I did all of these things for him and now that he's off in New York I can't help but feel as though... none of it matters.

I don't know if I'm thinking about this wrong or something but winning the election didn't feel like the success that it should have. I can't seem to bring myself to care about it because I haven't even gotten to talk to Kurt about it yet. Damn it, why isn't he answering my calls?! It's just weird to go from seeing him almost every day, or at the very least exchanging 50 texts, to only being able to see him on the occasional weekend and rarely communicating. He seems to be thriving in New York though. He's incredibly happy and gushy about it all whenever we do talk. Maybe I just have to get used to the idea that he doesn't need me in the way that I need him anymore. Perhaps he hasn't for a while. Maybe we've just been kidding ourselves about this whole long distance thing and should have followed Tina and Mike's lead by breaking up. No. That's not it. No. Just because Kurt doesn't need me as much right now doesn't mean that he won't be putting me back into his routine soon. Or maybe he just lost his phone today and that's why he didn't call me to ask about the election. Yeah. I bet that's it.

Now that we have that settled, I should probably mention the one success of the night. Apparently I might feel as though this entire pursuit has been useless, but Sam believes otherwise. Me being his first "gay bro" is apparently a huge deal. I'd almost forgotten how strange having gay friends apparently is to a straight guy in the realm of non-private schools. Being reminded of that was somehow the highlight of the night. Also the fact that Sam of all people is beginning to make me think that I might not be as alone as I think I am at a Kurt-less McKinley.

-Blaine

* * *

Thursday September 20th, 2012

This is the third skype date Kurt's cancelled or missed in the past three days. I know he's busy taking over the world (at Vogue) but I wish he would talk to me. I miss him. And the voice in my head that thinks he's losing interest in me is getting louder. I know he loves me but... I think he might love New York more and that's just something I'm going to have to deal with if I want him.

I don't think he understands how much I just_ miss_ him. I know he misses me too but most days it feels as though I'm a footnote in his life. I don't know how to do this. Making it until June like this isn't something I can _do_. I can't live like this. Something is going to have to give eventually and seeing as how I can't move to New York until after I graduate and I don't want Kurt moving back to Lima just because I can't handle the separation I'm not sure what that will be. I didn't think long distance would be _this_ difficult.

-Blaine

* * *

Saturday September 22nd, 2012

Today was a good day. Kurt called. I wasn't expecting him too honestly, not because I've lost faith in his ability to stick to any sort of call schedule (okay, I have a bit but that's not why I was surprised). We didn't actually have any call planned. He just called out of the blue because he had some time and wanted to chat. He filled me in on Vogue and New York and the adventures of being Rachel's roommate. Apparently, she's been toying with the idea of dating some guy named Brody. I don't know, I can never quite keep track of what Rachel has going on. I'm just happy I got to hear Kurt's excited voice.

There wasn't much of an opportunity to tell him about what's been going on with me, but that's okay I guess. New York is way more exciting.

-Blaine


	3. The Break Up

Monday September 24th, 2012

Brittany and I have been talking a lot recently. While the two of us have never been enemies, we've never really hung out outside of New Directions. Now we're both dealing with our significant other being away and busy though, and we're bonding because of it, or we're at least finding some sort of companionship.

Lately we've been eating lunch together, today though we made the poor decision of sitting facing Jake and Marley and that really brought home to me how much I _miss_ Kurt. Jake and Marley were acting all cute and coupley – I'm pretty sure Jake is dating some cheerleader right now and not Marley, but it still stands. They were totally flirting – and it just reminded me of last year and the year before that when things were so much simpler. I had so much hope about the future for Kurt and I. Everything was fun. Every day I was so excited to go to school purely because I knew it meant seeing Kurt, even if it was for only 10 minutes during the day, it still made my day wonderful. Now Kurt's far away and busy all the time. We were so innocent then, thinking this year apart would be a miniscule obstacle to overcome.

We never really discussed how we would handle long distance because Kurt leaving just happened so fast. The closest we got to an actual conversation about it was last year in Ms. Pilsbury's office and he promised we would talk every day and see each other every weekend. I knew that that wouldn't be completely true at the time, but I never said anything because at first I didn't want to be fighting anymore, and then he didn't get into NYADA and delayed his New York plans. I also really wanted it to be true, however unlikely, that we would see each other that often and interact so much.

At this point, we barely get to talk for more than twenty minutes every few days and exchange occasional texts. It's been bothering me obviously because _I miss him_, but Brittany made a point at lunch today that I've kind of been mulling over nonstop ever since. She said that we're young, and we should still be feeling like every day is Valentine's Day. It's really making me wonder if things between Kurt and I _should_ be easier than they are right now. If it's painful and I feel hurt and alone a lot of the time is it possible that Kurt and I aren't meant to be together? Okay, that was a horrible sentence to write. Excuse me while I go call Kurt.

-Blaine

* * *

Wednesday September 26, 2012

Brittany and I have a weird relationship. I wouldn't say we're really _friends_ because we don't hang out outside of school and I know so little about her, but we get along when we aren't running against each other for class president and she's not banning hair gel. We also both have significant others who are out of state experiencing new things and not having time for us. It's nice to have someone to share that with because aside from Brittany I feel so isolated dealing with this.

No one else really... understands. Sure, the adults have all been in love before, but none of the ones that I talk to seem to understand the long distance ordeal. I can just feel them eyeing me as though I'm an idiot for doing this long distance. "You're in high school, it's not going to last." The number of times I've heard that since Kurt left is ridiculous, but the thing is, I'm starting to think that they may be right. If I'm being completely honest, Kurt and I aren't doing all that well right now. Long distance is _difficult_. I mean, I thought it would be before we jumped into it but... we made no plans about it before Kurt left. Everything is ten times worse than I suspected it would be, and it's just not a lot of fun. It's _work_. I worry about him, I get stressed out when he misses a call, and I just can't stop wishing I were with him instead of being stuck here in stupid Lima Ohio. Everyone who has said that long distance is a bad idea was right. Kurt and I were just such innocent dreamers at the end of last year thinking that this could actually last.

I want it to last. I really do, but it's fraying at the seams and I can't stop feeling as though I'm the only one who wants to fix it. And I don't even know if we're meant to be together because this is just so _difficult_. It's never been this difficult with Kurt. It's lonely out here all by myself.

-Blaine

* * *

Thursday September 27th, 2012

I messed up. I did an awful thing. I can't even express how horrible the thing I did was. I can't. I – how the hell did this happen? How is this me? Why did I do that. I don't – fuck. I have to tell him. I can't just not let him know, even though I know it'll never _ever_ happen again. I'm going to lose him because of one incredibly stupid bad decision. Why did I do that.

-Blaine

* * *

Friday September 28th, 2012

I guess I should try to write some things down during the flight because I'm going to cry the entire time anyways and it might help me to feel anything other than numb disbelief. Yesterday was a bad day. A really bad day. It started off like usual, me waking up and getting ready for school and thinking about Kurt and getting excited for our phone date that night. Part way through the school day, Kurt called me. It was wonderful to hear his voice but then he cancelled our phone date for that evening, which, yeah I wasn't _too_ surprised seeing as how he cancelled the four before that too because work is really demanding but it still hurt. I finally managed to start telling him about how much I miss him but… he was at work, so he was distracted and clearly didn't understand how much I really _really_ miss him. Because he merely reminded me that I was going to visit in two weeks.

That's when I snapped at him because I felt like he was putting me off until I was there in person. As though he was too busy to deal with me until then and I just… Brittany's words from Monday. Shouldn't it be simple? Shouldn't every day still feel at least the tiniest bit like Valentine's Day? Whatever was going through my head only got amplified when another call came in on Kurt's end - someone with good gossip or something - and he hung up on me before I could even say "I love you." It just really hurt and I don't know… he was functioning so well without any help from me and I thought that maybe we didn't need each other. I've somehow managed to be successful _and_ somewhat miserable without him here every day and maybe… it's just been so difficult and I haven't been happy and there was just this moment when I thought that maybe we weren't meant to be together because some days it's like he doesn't see me and he just sounds so together and happy while I'm over here struggling more than I would like to admit. So I doubted. And I screwed up. Nuclear bomb screwed up.

After the phone call I ended up wandering to the auditorium to sing Barely Breathing during my study period. I just… there are ghosts of Kurt everywhere and I thought they would be more present in the choir room, but they're just everywhere at McKinley. Ninety percent of my memories at that place revolve around him. He's the only reason I'm there in the first place and I just staked so much of my transfer on the idea that he would be there and that he would need me. It was a silly idea really because I _knew_ he would be graduating a year ahead of me and then going to New York. I'm just… I would do anything for Kurt. Anything. Instead, I chose to hurt him. And me. But that doesn't even matter because I hurt him. And he has no idea yet.

Like I was saying, I was in the auditorium and there were ghosts of Kurt everywhere just watching me sing but not… there was no interaction. I couldn't reach him. Or even really turn around fast enough to see him because he would disappear before I got more than just a glimpse. It just made me miss the way things used to be even more. Kurt used to _need_ me. It's not that I'm upset that he got back on his feet after the Karofsky thing, because I'm not, I'm so, so grateful that I could help him out with that. I'm just… he used to need me for other things too, you know? Little things. Important things. I used to be at the forefront of his life and then I got pushed into the background because his focus shifted to New York. I thought it was bad when he would talk about it _all of the time_ last year, but then he got better about it after Whitney Houston week and I just thought he'd finally understood, you know? But now that he's actually in New York I feel like I've faded out of his life because he's so caught up in everything there. And I let that feeling of yearning for the past and not being happy with the present engulf me. So I – I can't even write it. I poked a guy on facebook that I met a few weeks ago and then accepted his invitation to come over. And now the person next to me just got up and moved across the aisle. Lovely. I make everyone try to get away from me.

I didn't really intend for anything to happen when I went over to his house. I don't know what I was even thinking really. I just- I wanted… I wanted someone to pay attention to me I guess. Someone to want me in the here and now rather than waiting until I could actually go to New York. And beyond the fact that it was the _stupidest decision ever_ and things went beyond what I expected – well, okay, I did expect it but I kept telling myself that I was just making new friends – I should have just come and visited Kurt this weekend instead of doing _that_ before booking my flight.

Why am I such a moron.

-Blaine

* * *

Saturday September 29th, 2012

Dear Kurt,

I'm, umm, sitting at a park a few blocks away from your apartment, staring at the ground trying to will the last few days out of existence. Please, please, please tell me that this is some awful nightmare that I can wake up from. Because this _is_ my worst nightmare. Losing you has been my biggest fear since... well it feels like it's always been my biggest fear. And I don't even know if I _have_ lost you, or to what extent I have, but the worst thing about it is that it's _my_ fault.

I don't know, I'm a bit numb to the idea of it all right now. Getting on that plane and arriving back at school on Monday though? I'm afraid I'm going to lose it. I just. Damn it Kurt, why couldn't you have just answered a few of my calls or given me your full attention when we were talking? The sound of you ending a call to go gossip with a co-worker and not even saying "I love you too"? It _hurt_. I was _losing you_ and I tried to tell you I felt that way but you weren't listening. And now? Well, I'm pretty sure that by cheating I sealed the deal. And I can't even blame you if that's the case.

I don't know Kurt. I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life. I'm going to apologize forever. And I'm probably going to spend a lifetime hoping for forgiveness because _you are the love of my life_ Kurt, and I'm sorry my moment of doubt might have cost us our eternity together. I can only hope that you'll find it in your heart to talk to me again (sooner rather than later preferably because I _need you_ Kurt) and give me a second chance. Even if it is just a chance to make amends. I will have you in my life however much or little you are willing to allow me in it. No complaints.

I have to go catch my flight now, or at least get off this bench before that couple starts making out and I start sobbing.

I love you. So much. With all my heart. Even if my actions this week point to the exact opposite.

Love, always,

Blaine

PS I'm having some flowers sent over to your office on Monday... I just need you to know how sorry I am.

* * *

Monday October 1st, 2012

Today was the first day back since... well, since I told Kurt, and it was awful. I haven't slept properly in days and everyone can clearly tell that _something's_ up. Luckily, Finn's sudden appearance helped to keep people from noticing in time to ask me about it today. I don't think I would even be able to say it if someone asked. I just can't stop crying. Finn was there and I know he knows, so when he asked me why I did it I was able to answer him without breaking down and I just, _I don't know_. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I had just thought to fly out there last weekend to make Kurt listen and understand how much I was missing him and how quickly I was falling apart instead of cheating and then flying there.

Now he's not talking to me at all and I honestly can't blame him. He barely said a word to me when I left the morning after. I have no idea where we stand and all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry under a mound of blankets. Instead I have to go to school and my million clubs and I have to do homework and college apps. While balancing all of that I also have to keep seeing ghosts of Kurt - and, even worse, ghosts of the two of us together - everywhere I go. Let me be clear to any person reading this who shouldn't be – PUT IT DOWN – that I don't mean I'm seeing actual ghosts of Kurt. I'm not _that_ crazy. I just keep remembering random things whenever I see a staircase or a locker or a certain classroom and it just makes me feel like he's there, but not.

I was going to write about what went down over the weekend just to get it out there but I _can't_. It hurts way too much. _Make it stop hurting._

I sent him flowers. At work. A giant red and yellow bouquet of apology flowers with a little note. I hope he gets them. I hope he doesn't just throw them out. I hope he calls me. I also need to get everyone else to stop calling me and texting me (not that it's all that often) because every time my phone buzzes I get excited thinking it's him, only to realize it's _not_ and then I just want to crumple in a heap on the floor all over again.

In other news, Finn's back in town for a bit and I guess we're doing a musical again and it's going to be Grease. I can't even bring myself to care about it right now.

-Blaine

* * *

Tuesday October 2nd, 2012

Dear Kurt,

I'm sorry. I wish I could take it back. I've wished I could take it back since the moment it happened. I wish you would talk to me. I wish I didn't feel like constantly vomiting every time I'm in a space that we've been in together. Which is basically everywhere. You probably haven't gotten it yet, but I sent you a Gilmore Girls Box set. We've always tried to draw parallels to it, and all I can think is that Luke and Lorelei were able to rekindle their relationship after she slept with Chris even if it did take some time, so hopefully we can too. Speaking of that, IT WAS SO DUMB OKAY. THAT WHOLE THING WAS JUST SO DUMB AND I HATED IT AND I KNOW YOU THOUGHT SO TOO. IT WAS JUST REALLY DUMB OKAY? *Ahem*

I know you have every reason to be ignoring me right now but that doesn't stop me from really wishing you weren't because the only thing worse than breaking _my_ heart was breaking _yours_ and I just need you to know that I am _so _sorry Kurt and if I could take it back I would. I also just really want to know that you're surviving, that Rachel is taking care of you. Because she's not responding to the handful of calls and texts I sent her, and Finn won't really talk to me either.

Love,

Blaine

* * *

Wednesday October 3rd, 2012

Today I found out that Brittany and Santana apparently broke up last week too. I think the only couple who had anything _good_ happen to them was Jake and Marley, but who knows how long that will last. McKinley seems to exist on some sort of relationship fault line.

This week I should have been looking forward to my long weekend with Kurt. Now I'm just looking forward to not having to be anything for three days and not having to be near Jake and Marley being all cutesy while Ryder glares at Jake. Or at least, I hope I get to stay home this weekend. My parents are still under the impression that I'm going to New York to look at some schools even if I'm not seeing Kurt.

I just want it to _stop replaying in my head_. I can't stop seeing the look on his face when I told him and the sound of his voice breaking and MAKE IT STOP.

It's weird, because right now I feel as though I have two different timelines in my head. There's the one where I'm slowly dying from lack of contact with Kurt, but he's still talking to me and I didn't cheat on him. And then there's this dismal reality where I _did_ cheat. Every time something happens or I think about the next few months, Valentine's Day, graduation, _god_ our anniversary, there's this weird dichotomy of what probably would have been and what probably will be and that difference _hurts_. And I don't even know what the coming months are going to hold because Kurt might start talking to me again and he might take me back but who knows. It's more likely he'll just continue not talking to me because I did the worst possible thing to him.

I just want to wake up and discover that this was all just some horrible dream.

-Blaine

* * *

Thursday October 4th, 2012

Part of me is tempted to fly out to New York this weekend as planned because I still have the tickets, and I could just show up at Kurt's apartment to make him talk to me for five minutes. But, that would cross so many lines and I don't even really deserve to demand a response from him like that. I told him what I did and then put in effort to apologize and talk to him. Now I just have to wait for him to decide that he's ready to talk to me. I just… I'm worried that he won't ever want to talk to me ever again and I'll be stuck waiting for him to come back. I just want him back. Why did I do this to him? Why did I do this to us? _I just want him back._

-Blaine

* * *

Friday October 5th, 2012

Dear Kurt,

It's been a week so I figure you're officially ignoring me now. Especially because we are officially no longer dating according to facebook and you've said nothing to me. And I really can't even blame you. I was supposed to be flying out to see you today but... well. I'm obviously not doing that anymore. My parents were going to have me go anyway to visit schools, but I talked them out of it. The fact that they let me off the hook should tell you how much of a mess I am right now. It's hard enough being here in Ohio, I can't deal with being in the same city as you, spending an entire trip thinking about how easy it would be to visit you but knowing I can't, because I don't think I would be able to handle you ignoring me in person.

I can't ever remember the last time we were _actually_ ignoring each other. There was the time I kissed Rachel, where we got mad at each other and we avoided each other for a day. There was that time after Scandal's, but even then we weren't ignoring each other, we were just tip toeing around each other for a few days. And then there was the whole Chandler thing, which, okay in some ways we were ignoring each other but at the same time we weren't, because we just weren't interacting even when we were in close proximity. I was never afraid that you would walk away if I tried talking to you. Okay, I was a little afraid, but I'm pretty sure you would have actually responded. The main difference though, is that all of those times we would have had to go out of our way to not see each other ever. But we didn't because we both wanted to work it out. And this time? I don't know what's going to happen. I know that _I_ want to work it out, but I don't know if you do. And I really couldn't blame you one bit if you didn't want to. I just hope that you'll come back to me as a friend at the very least, because I don't want to live a life without you in it.

The thought of that terrifies me, so taking a flight out there and running into you only for you to walk away if I tried to say hi would break me completely. Besides, American Airlines will probably put me on their no fly list if I spend another flight sobbing the entire time. Pretty sure they run on the three strikes and you're out system.

I know I've told you – or, more accurately, your voicemail – about eighty million times by now, but I am so so so so so sorry Kurt. I was upset and lost and alone and doubting that we were meant to be together. I know that doesn't excuse what I did. Nothing does. I hope you can find it in you though to forgive me one day. I never meant to hurt you. I thought I'd already lost you and I needed to know that someone else could make me feel the way you do. No one can though because you're _Kurt_, you're my best friend and soulmate. And I'm sure of that now. I just needed someone to talk to. Instead, I ended up hurting you and myself and feeling a million times worse. You're it for me Kurt. I know that now.

The worst part of this whole thing is that I lost my best friend. I don't have anyone to talk about this to. My Warbler friends are either away at school or not people I entirely trust after the slushy incident, and the glee club members were all _your_ friends first so they wouldn't want to hear from me about me hurting _you_. I just wish I could talk to my best friend about this. It's my own fault you won't talk to me though. These letters that I'll never send to you are probably the only way I'll be able to do that. So here goes.

Finn decided we're going to do Grease for our musical this year so think I'm going to try out with Hopelessly Devoted to You, because that's how I feel even though my actions last week clearly didn't show that. I wish I hadn't ruined us because the show would have been the perfect excuse for you to visit.

Either way though, I'm definitely not at all okay right now. I'm wallowing and hating myself and I can't stop replaying it all in my head. _I've stopped gelling on weekends Kurt!_ And I don't even care really. That's how bad it is.

I hope your internship is going well and that your NYADA reapplication is still happening because you deserve the world, Kurt.

All of my love,

Blaine

* * *

Sunday October 7th, 2012

I seriously can't wait for school on Tuesday. Screw long weekends. I never thought I would say that, especially now. My house is filled with too many memories though and I can't seem to escape them. Half the time I'm stuck in my room struggling to keep my memories of Kurt in here at bay. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave the house because I didn't gel and I've been living in my pajamas, but I honestly can't take another day of being stuck in this house. It hurts too much.

Every time I think I might be somewhat okay, I remember that this weekend was supposed to be about me and Kurt touring around New York and having fun and seeing each other and kissing and having sex and me maybe visiting a few schools. But mostly just getting to spend time with Kurt. Instead, the closest I've gotten to time spent with Kurt is me starring at these pictures of him while I call his cell and listen to his voice on the answering machine. I am such a nutcase right now.

My mom has been cooking all of my favorite food from when I was four in an attempt to make me feel better. It's sweet of her and I really wish it would work but it's _not_. The closest she got was when she made dinosaur chicken nuggets for my lunch and she built a French fry volcano next to it. It was kind of incredibly amazing and I really love my mom for her misguided attempts at helping me feel better. This is probably a good glimpse of what I'll be like with my own kids one day. If, well, if Kurt ever takes me back. I don't see how I could ever have kids with anyone who wasn't Kurt.

How did I get on the topic of kids? Oh. Right. Yeah, my mom has been trying so hard with gestures like that because she knows I don't want to talk about it and my dad is… well, I'm not sure if this is because he's internally gleeful that Kurt and I broke up or if it's because he's trying to be helpful, but he started a collection of pamphlets on schools with excellent theater programs that aren't in New York City. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he's doing it because he wants to make sure I keep pursuing my dreams even if I don't think I can go to New York anymore. I really appreciate the gesture even if I'm not ready to write off New York and Kurt quite yet. I'm honestly not sure if I ever will be able to, but I have to at least acknowledge that I wouldn't do a very good job as a student at NYADA (assuming Kurt gets in in the fall) if I was constantly aware that he could pop up anywhere at any moment.

I really don't know how people make it through a break up when they go to the same school as each other. I mean, I can understand the benefits as far as being able to talk things out goes and knowing it would be harder to be written completely out of their life, but there's so much stress that must be involved. I would be even more miserable than I am now if I had to see Kurt every day at school while he was refusing to talk to me. There is no way that I would be capable of doing that. It would hurt every time, because at least with voicemails and texts I can trick myself into believing that Kurt lost his phone or just hasn't had the chance to call me back. I know it's not true but at least I can pretend whenever the pain is particularly pronounced.

Time for dinner (pancakes in fun shapes!).

-Blaine


	4. The Role You Were Born to Play

Thursday October 11th, 2012

Tryouts for Grease were today. I sang Hopelessly Devoted to You as planned. I almost didn't audition though. I've just been such a wreck lately and I didn't feel up to it initially. I told Sam this and he insisted that I should do it anyways so… I did. He said that break ups happen to everyone and that I'll feel better soon. I don't think he understands the magnitude of this though. My relationship with Kurt wasn't just some high school romance. Kurt was the love of my life. My soulmate. My best friend. It took us_ months_ to get together. We took our time and were practically bonded for life before we started dating. While I did appreciate Sam's attempt at helping I just have no idea how I will ever not feel this awful again. Unless Kurt starts talking to me again. Maybe I'll see him over Thanksgiving and get a chance to talk to him. I just can't stop running scenarios through my head involving seeing him again or talking to him. During class, when I should be sleeping, during tests, _all the time_. I just can't stop trying to construct the perfect conversation with him in my mind. I need to talk to him.

The audition went… not great. I think my singing was fine because Artie asked if I wanted the role of Danny Zuko but, well, I basically started crying halfway through my audition because _Kurt_ but I don't think I could handle that role right now so I turned it down. I think they're going to give me the role of Teen Angel instead. I really don't even care about all of that right now though. I just want to not have to deal with any of this.

I feel as though I've lost my entire future. Kurt returned the Gilmore Girls box set I sent him. He won't return any of my calls or texts. I lost my best friend and the love of my life in one fell swoop because I am an idiot. Why can't this all be some awful nightmare.

Why couldn't I have been reminded that Kurt truly is the love of my life _before_ I went and shattered both of our hearts and our dreams. I don't even have any clue what my future looks like without Kurt in it. I've never been particularly certain of what my future held beyond college and Kurt but at least then I knew that Kurt would be a part of it. An integral part. Which is probably why I started having doubts. When he moved to New York he kind of became a passive part of my life that wasn't readily accessible and it just… didn't fit with everything that I had imagined my – our – future to be. I just want to be able to _explain_ all of this to him. I don't know if he would accept it as good enough to warrant us getting back together. I cheated on him, so why would he? But I just need to be able to explain it to him because the last thing I want is for him to start thinking that I did this because he wasn't good enough or something. He is more than good enough. I can't believe I did this to him. I can't believe that I took one moment to be selfish and ruined everything. I should have learned after the last time I put myself first that it would end poorly. At least this time I can say that I honestly did try to talk to him about how I was feeling before I… well last time I pulled away from his life a bit. This time I ran straight for someone else because I had to know I could feel with someone else like I did with him.

I messed up. To the greatest degree possible and I just want to take it all back. I want to care about Grease. I want to be able to make it through Glee without having to take a few minutes to stare resolutely up at the ceiling so as not to cry. I want to be reminiscing about a weekend spent with Kurt where we had happy I-haven't-seen-you-in-over-a-month reunion sex. I want to be able to eat a whole meal. I want to not feel like crap all the time. Mostly though I just want Kurt to start talking to me again. If he would just start talking to me then I could get through this. I could make it through anything if only he were talking to me. He doesn't have to take me back (although I wish he would), I just need him to come back into my life in some capacity. Whether it be friend, best friend, or boyfriend. I need him in my life.

Please get him to come back to me.

-Blaine

* * *

Thursday October 11th, 2013

Dear Kurt,

Auditions for Grease were today. I wasn't sure if I was going to try out, but Sam actually ended up talking to me in the hallway a day or two ago about everything and kind of convinced me to try out for the musical even though I told him I didn't think I could do it. Apparently I haven't been hiding my feelings as well as I'd hoped because he knew I wasn't doing well before we even talked. He didn't really get why I was so upset about the breakup because neither Mercedes nor Quinn were his best friend – his everything - but he did at least _try_. I think he actually cares. That isn't saying no one else does or that you don't because if you didn't care you'd probably just straight up tell me to stop texting you or calling you. Or you would have kept the Gilmore Girls box set I sent you because hey, it's Gilmore Girls. I'm just surprised that someone in Glee club cares. And that of all people, it's him. Besides you and the Warblers when I first met them, no one has really actively cared about my wellbeing since I came out. So taking the time to talk to me like that was actually a really big moment for me. I think, if I have him to talk to occasionally, I have a chance of making it through this even if you never talk to me again. I hope I don't have to try doing that though. You haven't told me to stop sending you things or texting and calling so I can keep hoping that you'll be back in my life someday.

Love always,

Blaine

* * *

Friday October 12th, 2013

They gave me the role of Teen Angel. I'm still not sure that I can handle it, but there's a few weeks between now and the show (because of course McKinley decides that instead of taking a few months to prepare, we only need a few weeks) and hopefully by then I'll be able to stand on stage and perform. It's only one song really so I don't have to be at most of the rehearsals which… I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. But at least I'll be able to keep up with more of the clubs I'm a part of.

Sugar got the role of Frenchy so I'll mostly be in rehearsals that involve her which will be nice. We don't hang out outside of school much but we get along surprisingly well so I'm hoping it will be a fun time. I'm worried about the memories that rehearsing for a show will dredge up though. I know I never really got to spend _too_ much time in rehearsals when Kurt was there for West Side Story, but there are just so many memories of him tied into the show that I'm worried they will spill over to this one. After West Side Story was the first time we had sex and that obviously was a special moment in our relationship and I'm afraid that I'll just end up even worse because of those ever present memories.

I shouldn't worry about that now though. I'm still not particularly excited for this show but I'm really touched by the decision Artie and Finn made to include me. If I were in their position I honestly probably wouldn't have seeing as how I hurt Artie's friend and Finn's _step brother_ and I have the audacity to be really upset about it. I don't know exactly what to make of their decision to cast me – and especially the decision to cast me as Teen Angel like I asked – but I do appreciate the gesture. It's… really nice to see that people still believe in and respect me to some degree even though I don't deserve it.

-Blaine

* * *

Sunday October 14th, 2013

I've been filling my weeks with activities and homework to keep my mind off of things, but my weekends thus far have essentially just been me hanging around the house because my homework is done by Friday night and nothing that I'm involved in meets on the weekends. Kurt and I used to spend out weekends primarily together so I never had to worry about filling them. I kind of lost track of what I even _did_ on weekends before Dalton and Kurt. At Dalton I would just hang out with the guys and do homework and then Kurt came along and I did the same thing but half my weekend slowly turned into Kurt time.

I did babysit last night for the eight year old boy down the street who is _adorable._ I can't seem to keep my head in a book these days, so I picked up his sisters _Seventeen _magazine and apparently, I committed the cardinal sin of hanging out with only my boyfriend and now I'm doomed for the rest of my life. Okay, yes, I'm being a little bit overdramatic. I should have split my time better between friends and Kurt. But. Kurt's my best friend. He's the best friend I've ever had. Even removing our romantic relationship from the equation, I've never had a friend that I felt so comfortable with. So I guess when we started dating it didn't feel as though I was blowing off my friends for my boyfriend, it felt like I was hanging out with my best friend and maybe just not initiating anything with my other friends. It was fine to do that while I was at Dalton because I'd see them all during the week and in the evenings or at breakfast, but then I transferred and that lapsed and then the whole slushy thing happened and we just… drifted. I don't know. I just. Kurt leaving has shown how much I'm lacking in people.

I'm not entirely sure what the point of that tangent was except that I feel so lonely and it's not like I deserve friendship from anyone who was in New Directions last year. I didn't really make an effort and then I cheated on Kurt… I'm just here on the weekends, trapped in my head, especially with my parents gone to visit some college friends, and I _hate _it. I hate the loneliness and the despair that seems to permeate everything, and the thing is, I deserve it. I did this to myself and I deserve to suffer because of it.

-Blaine

* * *

Tuesday October 16th, 2013

Rehearsals started yesterday and I think they might actually turn out to be fun. Sugar is somewhat hilarious once you put her in a situation where she's free to joke – and doesn't decide to sing. Her singing is still kind of awful. Sorry Sugar. Anyways, it's wonderful to have someone fun to sing to. As much as I loved with and to Rachel in West Side Story last year, she gets intense and a bit self-involved in a way that makes rehearsals more work than fun. Not that rehearsals are all fun and games, but Sugar makes me laugh, which, I seriously thought I would never want to do again.

-Blaine

* * *

Friday October 19th, 2013

I just want to apologize to Kurt and know that he hears it. I need him to know how sorry I am. I can't – the problem with not being able to see him without going to New York is that I don't know how he's doing and I can't make sure that he doesn't think that this is all _his_ fault or that I cheated on him because I wanted to hurt him. I don't know how to make him understand why I did it when I'm all the way in Ohio and he's ignoring me. If he were in Lima I could easily travel to his house to try to apologize while hoping his dad wouldn't kill me. Oh god. Burt. I can't just up and travel to New York though. Even if I _could_ afford it, it seems like the kind of thing that creepy stalkery ex's do and I don't want to be that.

Burt though. I didn't think. Crap. He probably hates me now and wants to kick my ass and I'm kind of surprised that he hasn't showed up at my house yet to kill me. I just. Burt has meant so much to me since Kurt and I started dating and I've always admired the relationship that him and Kurt have and now I threw that all out the window too. How did I not realize that?

I hope my car doesn't have issues for a _long_ time.

-Blaine

* * *

Saturday October 20th, 2013

I hate Saturdays. I hate the weekend. I hate being along in this big house. I hate not being able to talk to Kurt. I hate that I cheated. I hate myself for cheating. I hate that I'm not good enough. I hate that I'm _never_ good enough. I hate that I try so hard but I always end up stabbing myself in the chest with my own stupidity. I hate that I did this to myself. I hate that I did this to Kurt. I hate that I did this to the best part of my life. I hate that hardly anyone seems to care.

I just want Kurt back. I want to wake up and have this be some horrible nightmare.

-Blaine

* * *

Monday October 22nd, 2013

I can't get the last bit of my steps right with Beauty School Dropout and I can't make the song stop reminding me of Kurt and I don't know _why._ If anything, it's about me even, not literally of course, but the emotion and tone of it feels as though it were meant to be sung _at_ me instead of _by_ me. I just want to get the freaking choreography down though and I can't do it by myself in the auditorium because I just start expecting Kurt to show up like he always used to. I just. Why can't I get it right. Why can't I get _anything_ right?

-Blaine

* * *

Thursday October 25th, 2013

Mr. Schue announced that he's going to be leaving us for a few months to work on the Blue Ribbon Panel for Arts Education. He's leaving Finn in charge in his stead. It's McKinley so I'm not even going to question how Finn will be left in charge of a class right out of high school. Instead I'm going to reiterate Tina's outburst and say we're being left with _Finn_?! We'll all be dead by Regionals. Or. We'll at least be suffering from ideas worse than Mr. Schue's and someone who generally follows instead of taking the role of the leader he's supposed to be. I don't know, it makes me worry about Sectionals, but I don't even care enough to do anything about it. I love Finn and all but he can be a bit… misguided and it worries me, but really Mr. Schue isn't much better. At least Finn might be more open to suggestions? Whatever. Sectionals is barely even on my radar at this point. Sectional's remind me of Kurt and all of the ways I failed him and I don't know, I'm going to go do homework now or something.

-Blaine

* * *

Saturday October 27th, 2013

Weekends suck even when Sam comes over to play video games. Why did I cheat on Kurt? Why did I even let Sam into my house? I had to put hair gel in and I just… it's too much effort when all I feel like doing is crying about how worthless I am. Why did I cheat? Why can't I get that awful, awful look on Kurt's face when I told him out of my head?

-Blaine

* * *

Sunday October 28th, 2013

Artie called me to talk about set pieces and rehearsals for this week and performances and I just feel so drained now and Kurt still isn't answering my calls or texts. Everything sucks.

-Blaine

* * *

Wednesday October 31st, 2013

We had our final rehearsal and then Sugar had a costume party at her house. I obviously didn't go because I'm here writing instead of sitting by the refreshments table eating way too much candy corn. I forgot that today was Halloween. I forgot until I showed up at school and a few people were dressed up and I _forgot_. I can't believe I forgot. And then had to go through the day remembering and I just couldn't go to Sugar's party after all of that. I felt bad saying no, but I seriously would not have been able to handle it.

I've never really thought of Halloween as a big holiday for Kurt and me. We've always, even before we were a couple, paid more attention to Christmas and Valentine's Day. Those were the important holidays for us. But Halloween? Somehow it became important, I don't even know how, it just did. Maybe I'm making it into a bigger thing than I should, but last year Kurt and I went trick or treating and it as _so much fun_. He wore a _dress_ and _heels_ and I didn't think I would be that into it but it was really freaking hot. It was also just really great to be able to do to something silly like that with him and get our costumes together and then I got to be the Situation and it was just _so much fun_. We're never able to act that care free together outside of our houses. On Halloween we were though. I mean, I was a little bit on edge the whole time but mostly it was just _so much fun_. But now…

Kurt's my best friend and I haven't gotten to talk to him in a month and it hurts and it's all my fault and I can't even reminisce about things without it hurting.

-Blaine


	5. Glease

Thursday November 1st, 2012

Dear Kurt,

I, uh, really, really don't know how to start this. I can't I don't I didn't know that I had any bit of my heart left for you to shatter. I apparently still had some hope left or _something_ though because... that look on your face when you told me you didn't trust me, destroyed me in a way that unanswered phone calls and texts somehow didn't. It hurt even more than seeing you before the show and hoping you were there to talk only to have this tense silence that has never ever been present between us. Even after the Chandler thing or the Scandal's incident it wasn't ever quiet like that.

I don't know how to _do_ this. I can't I just want to travel back in time and somehow not mess up but still learn the lesson. I hate that I hurt you like that. I hate that we're at this place.

I don't regret telling you I cheated because, god, the only thing worse than cheating would have been not telling you. I don't even know how I managed telling you. I was in such a weird haze and that whole conversation was such an out of body experience. I keep kicking myself for not just explaining to you then and there in Battery Park.

I mean. I kind of tried. But I should have just answered everything. I don't know. Please talk to me Kurt. _Please._ I can't get your trust back if you won't talk to me and I just don't know what to _do._

Sam and I are slowly becoming friends but he's not _you_. He doesn't understand in the same way that you do. He doesn't know me like you. I need you. I can't for one second imagine how I could have possibly thought that you were replaceable. Because you aren't, Kurt. You're one of a kind and the most amazing person I know.

Please just talk to me. Please.

Forever yours,

Blaine

* * *

Friday November 2nd, 2012

So, last night was rough. Kurt and Rachel came to our opening night. I had this wonderful moment of surprise and hope when I first saw them - really meaning when I saw Kurt because I thought I was hallucinating for a minute - backstage but to no avail. He didn't even say anything to me. I don't know why he came. I mean, he had every right to show up and it was nice to at least _see_ him in person but... I think he shattered the last bit of my heart that still existed. It was just really awkward and I didn't get to tell him anything and he didn't want anything to do with me as far as I could tell.

Him and Rachel popped backstage before the show, I'm not really sure why they did that seeing as how I'm pretty sure the only people they talked to were Finn and I and that was the epitome of awkward, but they did. It was probably actually a good thing that they stopped by before the show because I could barely hold it together _during_ the show when my eyes landed on Kurt in the audience. If I hadn't known until then I would have either been so shocked that I forgot to keep singing or I would have gotten my hopes way up only to have them crushed later.

Enough about that though. Kurt was backstage before the show and despite the fact that me, him, Finn, and Rachel were all talking, Kurt threw up this barrier between the two of us so that it didn't really feel like we were a part of the same conversation at all. I get it, I mean, I cheated on him so he's of course rightfully still really mad at me. When I saw him though I could have sworn that for the first half a second he was happy to see me. Then he faded into awkward-running-into-my-ex-mode and, well, it wasn't a massive surprise or anything that he did that, but it still hurt. I just thought that when I saw him again it would be awkward but that he would at least make eye contact with me or something... He looked good though. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, his outfit and his hair looked amazing but he looked sad and exhausted and a bit empty and I really really hate that I did that to him. I never wanted to be the cause of him feeling that way. Seeing him like that just made me... I don't know. It upset me more but at the same time it gave me a little bit of comfort knowing that he didn't just vanish off the face of the earth like I was beginning to suspect he had. Before I get into any of that though I should finish talking about the show now.

It's really good that I didn't have to go on stage much until Act 2 because I ended up spending most of Act 1 sitting backstage telling myself not to cry. I think I really may have lost him. I managed to get enough of a hold on myself to perform Beauty School Dropout but I definitely struggled at times, especially whenever my eyes landed on Kurt. I persevered though so that's one success of the day. After the show I decided to try and find him because I knew I couldn't let this chance to talk to him slip away from me. There are just so many things that I need to tell him and explain, but he wasn't having any of it. I just... I need five minutes to grovel and tell him that the other guy meant_ nothing_ beyond the fact that I was being stupid and doubting everything because I was feeling neglected. God, I'm such an awful boyfriend that I cheated after what, four weeks of lackluster contact between my boyfriend and I? I should have just flown to New York _before_ deciding that cheating was a good idea. It just felt so nice to have someone's attention for once. I'm such an idiot. Even if I had gone there and told him we needed to break up for a little bit while he got settled into his new routine or something it would have been better. Instead I cheated and now he doesn't trust me. And I don't know how to fix that without being let back into his life, which definitely isn't happening anytime soon.

Why did my relationship with Kurt have to be the thing I screwed up so much. Choking during my NYADA audition would have been less painful. I really don't know how much longer I can stand stumbling through everyday knowing that I've hurt Kurt this much.

I can't stop hearing and seeing it in my head. It's driving me insane. And I don't know what to do with the information that Kurt doesn't trust me anymore. He's always trusted me. From the moment we met, he has trusted me with so much. And I've trusted him. I guess I kind of lost that trust somewhere along the way though, because I went from encouraging him to head to New York to achieve his dreams, to an anxious mess who started believing his relationship was over without his boyfriend saying a single thing about it. I may not have consciously headed over to Eli's house with plans to cheat on Kurt, but unconsciously I knew that that was what I was doing and I didn't care one bit. I didn't trust that Kurt still wanted me despite putting our relationship to the side while he got settled into his New York life. So I guess Kurt is right, trust is of the utmost importance to a relationship and while my trust was restored the moment I cheated, his was shattered. Now I just have to figure out how to fix it when he doesn't want to talk to me. Maybe I can brainstorm some before tonight's show.

-Blaine

* * *

Saturday November 3rd, 2012

The cast party is tonight... more specifically, it's right now. I went for about ten minutes because it's the cast party and I've been trying to socialize with people outside of school in the hopes that it will help make me feel better. Tonight I just couldn't do it though. I got there and realized that I hadn't gone to last year's party. That was the night Kurt and I went back to my house and had sex for the first time. So obviously remembering that wasn't conducive to me having a fun time.

I'm actually not even home right now. I didn't want my parents asking questions when I told them I would be out late tonight. I also didn't want to end up lying in my bed with all the memories there. Instead I'm just sitting in my car in an empty parking lot writing this. It was just such a special night and I can't stop thinking about how convinced I was earlier that evening that Kurt wasn't going to speak to me for a week. At the time it just seemed like dancing with Sebastian and then trying to get Kurt to have sex in the backseat of his car was the worst possible thing I could or would ever do to Kurt. The joke was on me though because that was nowhere near the worst thing I could do. Do you think there's a wormhole nearby that I could jump into and change the past?

I really can't believe that Kurt doesn't trust me anymore. Okay. That's a lie. I completely understand that he doesn't trust me anymore. The only reason that _I_ trust me at this point is that I know I would never ever cheat on him ever again. It was an awful terrible mistake and I don't know how anyone repeatedly cheats on their boyfriend or girlfriend. I don't even understand how people are capable of keeping their infidelity a secret.

I knew that Kurt would probably never find out on his own. I wasn't about to tell anyone, and Eli didn't want to date me or anything so he would have no reason to seek Kurt out about that. I had to tell him though. Aside from the guilt that would have eventually eaten me alive, I just wouldn't want to continue a relationship with him for the rest of our lives will trying to maintain such a massive secret. It would have been ridiculous. I do hate that he doesn't trust me anymore and just... watching him walk away from me like that. I know I deserved it. It doesn't mean it didn't feel like someone had just stabbed me in the heart though. And now the whole cast party being tonight thing isn't helping me at all. I just want Kurt back. I thought for sure that when we saw each other things would get better, instead they seem to have gotten exponentially worse.

-Blaine


	6. Dynamic Duets

Tuesday November 6th, 2012

In the wake of having so much free time with the end of Grease and a renewed reason to force myself out of the house, I started a Superheroes Club. I'm part of the Sidekick Club, but I thought it would be fun to be a hero as well. Secret identities and running rescue missions is quite the side job to have. Most of the Glee club joined it. In fact, almost all of it is the Glee club, which I just wasn't expecting at all. I thought that _maybe_ Sam would join and then I could try to persuade some of the Sidekicks to become full-fledged Superheroes, but I didn't have to!

Tina is Asian Persuasion, Sam is the Blonde Chameleon, Joe is Tarantula Head (I'm still not sure what his superpower is exactly), Sugar is Sweet 'N' Spicy (same goes for her), Becky is Queen Bee, Brittany is The Human Brain, and Artie is Dr. Y. I'm Nightbird. ...Actually I probably shouldn't be revealing all of this. Dear anyone who has stolen my journal to read it: You're going to have to take the oath of secrecy now. Repeat after me. I *state your full name* solemnly swear to never reveal the contents of this notebook, in particular the discussion about superheroes, to anyone whom I may come across.

Now that you've done that, you should put this back where you found it and never speak of it again because it's _my_ place to write my thoughts and I highly doubt I gave you permission to read it. Thank you.

We just got our first real mission today actually, our first mission beyond protecting the hallways of McKinley. The Nationals trophy was stolen and we have to get it back. The Warblers took it. I have to formulate a plan to reclaim it. I hope they do not prove to be a wily opponent.

-Blaine

* * *

Wednesday November 7th, 2012

Dear Kurt,

I went and visited Dalton today. I don't know if Finn told you or not, but the Warblers stole our Nationals trophy. He probably didn't tell you though because he didn't even realize it was missing until I told him about it as I got up to leave and get it back.

I went back to Dalton and I think I might talk to my parents about transferring back there. The Warblers still have a place for me, and McKinley has never felt like home the way Dalton did (does?). I only truly felt at home at McKinley when you were there. Everything has just been _off_ since you left. I honestly don't even think anyone would miss me much. More solo opportunities for them, right?

The Warblers might just be after my competition experience and the apparently legendary status that my solos hold with most of them. Speaking of which, Sebastian ended up being the first Warbler I ran into. He claims to have had no part in the stealing of the trophy and I actually _believe_ him. It helped that I met Hunter (the new captain [what?] of the Warblers) and his cat. Because apparently Dalton lets those in now and trusts that no long white fur will start showing up on the furniture and everyone's uniforms. Yeah, I don't understand it either.

I met Hunter and he's really weird and intense. He could probably give Rachel a run for her money as far as doing crazy things in the name of competition goes. He's nowhere near as talented though. Since I've left the Warblers, their level of crazy and weird has been rapidly approaching New Directions levels.

To their credit though, the Warblers did put some thought and effort into their plan to win me back. They got me a blazer and they started singing so I had no other choice but to join in. It honestly felt like returning to a slightly off-kilter home.

Afterwards I wandered around Dalton for a while and visited a bunch of _our_ spots. I almost went for a walk to Pavarotti's grave but I don't know, I decided not to. Not yet, not while we're not talking. I don't want to mar my memories from that spot. I never told you this, but after you transferred back to McKinley I used to stop by his grave _all the time_ I only stopped going more than once a week because the guidance counselor called me into her office to talk about my extreme attachment to this bird. The last time I went was right before I transferred. The death of that bird changed my world, so I had to go thank him. Now I'm honestly slightly scared to go out there and visit because I screwed up the one good thing that came out of him dying. And I'm afraid I destroyed it permanently because even if by some miracle we do ever get back together it won't be the same.

Walking around campus was both a nice reassurance that everything between us was real (_god_ remember that day out in the garden? I'd somehow almost forgotten it until I walked past that statue) and an upsetting reminder of what was lost. I can't just look back on these memories of you and reminisce fondly. The good is all mucked up with the bad now. We got no closure when I left New York and Grease only made it all even worse because I could see how I had hurt you without it being mixed with the shock from when I told you in New York. The problem is that I feel as though I'm still in free fall, prevented from smashing into the ground by a thin tendril of hope. I'm not sure that I can really start moving forward again while that thread still exists. I need _something._ I know it'll be a long time before I can think about us without feeling sick or wanting to cry, but I need something to change so that I can being the process of moving forward.

Not moving on, just forward because I'm fairly certain that moving on from you would be impossible, and frankly, I don't even want to try. Being able to move forward would be ideal though because I don't think I can keep living like this, Kurt. It's not actual living despite what my list of extracurriculars and leadership roles strives to say.

Please just call me back? Or answer my calls? Please?

If I become Blaine Warbler again will you trust me? You always trusted him. Always.

I love you,

Blaine

* * *

Wednesday November 7th, 2012

I visited Dalton today on a superhero mission. It was kind of weird to be there without Kurt. There were ghosts of him everywhere I looked though, so in a way he was there with me.

I should probably mention that I didn't successfully steal the trophy back when I went there today. Instead I got to sing with the Warblers and they told me that if I rejoined their ranks permanently, they would give the trophy back. At first I wasn't planning on considering it but... the more I think about it the more I think I might just do it. Not for the trophy so much as for the brotherhood. I don't have that at McKinley. It's what I miss most about the Warblers. McKinley doesn't hold anything for me anymore even if I am hyper involved in the activities there.

I'm going to take a few days to consider it and determine what steps I would have to take. I'm not sure how I could get there fast enough to prepare for Sectionals with them though.

-Blaine

* * *

Thursday November 8th, 2012

Pros of Going to Dalton

The Warblers are a brotherhood

No one there is still in contact with Kurt

No possibility of running into him wandering the halls for a visit

They want me to join

I lost my right to be in a space that is Kurt's like New Directions is

Last time I went to Dalton I met the love of my life

My parents like the idea of me going back to private school

The safety of the blazer

Virtually no one knows Kurt and I as a couple and the few that do are unlikely to bring it up

All of my memories of my memories that involve Kurt at Dalton are good ones

I won't have to walk down _that_ hallway

Cons of Staying at McKinley

Being surrounded by memories of Kurt that are tainted now

Fear of other people finding out that I cheated on Kurt

What if I run into Burt one day for some reason?

Mr. Schue

Kurt might stop by again for some reason and I can't bear seeing him another time without actually getting to talk.

I don't deserve to get to take Kurt's space from him because even though he's in New York now, New Directions is his.

What if they all find out I cheated and then they hate me?

I don't know, I just feel like maybe I belong with the Warblers. They're my birth right and perhaps I shouldn't have even left in the first place. Singing with them again was an odd experience but the blazer just felt so right and it was wonderful to be leading a group number again. I told Finn I was probably going to transfer, and he insisted that I'm instrumental to the New Directions but I just… I don't think I am. I shouldn't be. I'm going to print out the paperwork and then sleep on it.

-Blaine

* * *

Friday November 9th, 2012

Just as I had decided that I was transferring to Dalton (I started the papers last night), Sam came and found me at my locker and tried to talk me into staying. It was oddly interesting to hear some of the things that he said because I haven't been thinking about Dalton as me punishing myself but… I think he might be on to something there. Aside from that, it was incredibly relieving that he didn't run away the moment I told him that I had cheated on Kurt. He didn't condemn me even though Quinn apparently cheated on him, and then Santana did, and then Mercedes wouldn't get back together with him last year because he caused her to cheat on Shane and she decided that she needed to be by herself for a while. I honestly expected him to hate me for what I did to Kurt and either beat me up or yell at me. What I didn't expect was for him to tell me to tell Kurt what I told him about the cheating, and then to tell me I needed to stop beating myself up over it. He asked me for a day to prove that everyone in New Directions believes in me. I'm giving him the day, he's really trying and I don't want to shut him out.

I… I told him everything though. I mean, I skipped over the details of that night, but I explained why it happened. I felt like Kurt was moving on with his life without me and that we weren't meant to be together. Which, as you know, I realized was _really dumb_ right after I did it. I told him that I constantly felt like a bad person, and, I don't know. For whatever reason a part of me believed Sam when he said that I wasn't.

Today has been a tough day for me though. Today is the anniversary of the day that Kurt and I first met. I had originally planned to fly out and surprise him this weekend. I want to go back to the start. There are so many things I would do differently this time around. How did things get this bad?

-Blaine

* * *

Saturday November 10th, 2012

It turns out that Sam's idea was to get the entire glee club together to take part in some community service and group bonding. I don't know how he did it. We haven't really been a team all semester, and yet he somehow gathered everyone together for a day on incredibly short notice and it was just... _fun_. I haven't told him yet, but I think I'll stay at McKinley. They're my family even though it's vastly different than last year.

Tomorrow I'm going to get Sam to steal our Nationals trophy back with me. Most of Dalton sleeps late on Sundays so we might be able to get in undetected.

-Blaine

* * *

Monday November 12th, 2012

Sam and I stole the trophy back yesterday! We went dressed as Nightbird and the Blonde Chameleon and managed to grab it before the Warblers showed up for rehearsal. Afterwards Sam came to my house and we spent the evening marathonning superhero movies. I also told Sam that I was staying. It was a really wonderful night. I think Sam and I are going to be really good friends.

I think I'm going to try to find a way to really be okay again without Kurt. I don't know if he's ever going to come back to me and at this point all I can do is wait and hope and continue calling or texting him every so often. I need to start trying to pick up the pieces of myself. This doesn't mean that I'm now completely okay with what I did or whatever, but I do need to get on with my life before I destroy any good things I have left. The superhero club is doing a decent job of reminding me how much I enjoy being able to help other people. I somehow lost that along the way and it's nice to know that even if I can't help Kurt any longer and even if I seem to just be messing things up as Blaine, Nightbird _can_ help.

-Blaine

* * *

Tuesday November 13th, 2012

I ran into Kurt's dad last night. I was grocery shopping because my mom forced me out of the house to "do something productive" and I ran into him in the frozen food aisle. I wasn't going to talk to him because I kind of really expected him to try to murder me with his bare hands if he ever saw me again, but then he caught me trying to swap his normal bacon for some turkey bacon. And he actually struck up a conversation with me. At first I thought it was just going to be some ploy while he prepared himself for my murder, but so far I'm still alive so I don't know.

I'm sure Kurt's talking to him, although clearly not much about our relationship because he doesn't hate me. In fact, all he said on the subject was that he was really sorry to hear that we had split. I may have tried to casually grill him for information on Kurt after that but... hopefully he doesn't tell him that because that would be embarrassing and probably not something Kurt wants to hear about.

He asked how Sectionals preparations were coming along, and, well, we've still got like two weeks until Thanksgiving so I didn't have much to say about that. On the subject of Sectional's, it's weird preparing for them without Kurt; I've never competed without him.

Today in glee club I apologized to all of them for doubting McKinley as my home and then we presented Finn (wearing his Mighty Trebleclef costume, because he finally got on board with the superheroes thing) with a trebleclef pin because he's the uniter of glee clubs. After that, we all sang Some Nights in the auditorium and I think it was the most whole our group has felt this year. It was comforting.

I think I've turned a positive corner now, what with running into Kurt's dad and _surviving_, bonding with Sam, and gelling on weekends again. It doesn't mean I feel any less guilty or heartbroken, but it does mean that on the off chance that Kurt ever speaks to me again, I might have be able to talk to him as someone deserving of his love and trust.

-Blaine


	7. Thanksgiving

Wednesday November 14th, 2012

Dear Kurt,

Today was a bad day. You're probably already aware of that though because you finally texted me back. For a moment, for one wonderful moment, I thought that you wanted to talk to me again. Of course, I really should have known that that wasn't what you wanted at all. Either way, I definitely learned that despite everything and the number of times it has shattered over the past few months, you still hold the power to destroy my heart.

A small part of me had hoped to see you over Thanksgiving, I'm doubting that will happen now. Granted, you were just here so I guess there's a chance you might not be coming home to even visit your dad? He did seem a bit sad about how busy you were taking over New York. Proud of you, but sad because he misses you.

I really don't know what I'm supposed to do now. You want me to stop with the calls and the texts and I really want to respect that, but I need you to understand how sorry I am about cheating. I don't want to go against your wishes though and keep bugging you. I guess that means I'll have to hope that I'll run into at Christmas (you are coming home for that at least, right?) for one last try.

I just miss you Kurt. I miss you a lot. Not just as my boyfriend, but as my best friend. Sam and Tina are attempting to fill the gap I think, but they're not the same. They don't understand me in the way that you always have. I hate that I ruined this.

For the past few days I've started to pull my life back together, but that text today totally derailed me again. I hope I can pull myself together again a bit faster this time though because I need to be able to live my life without being constantly glued to my phone wondering if this will finally be the moment that you call or text me. I still hope there will come a time when that happens, but for now it just seems so unlikely.

I just hope you know that I've meant it every single time I told you that I love you with all my heart. Because I do. And I don't think that will ever change. Even if we never speak again, a large part of me will always be in love with you.

All of my love,

Blaine

* * *

Thursday November 15th, 2012

I really just want to sit here and text Kurt and call him repeatedly to beg for his forgiveness because I hate that we seem to be ending on such a sour note. We haven't resolved anything or even discussed much of what has happened since he left for New York. I do understand why he wants me to stop contacting him though. I'm trying as best as I can to respect his wishes about that, but it's really difficult. He's been my support system for so long that I no longer know how to get through a day without sending him a text or two at the very least. I'm going to put aside those urges though because if this is what he needs and wants, I have to respect that.

Some part of me is insisting that if I do this for a month or two he'll start trusting me again. I'm trying to quiet that voice though because I don't think it will change anything. My hopes are that by giving him the space he asked for, Kurt'll come back to me. I need to not rely on that though. He might never back, or when he does, he might have moved on. Instead of pining, I think I'm going to try to take some real steps towards becoming the person that he deserves.

I've actually started to remedy some of the problems that led to me cheating in the first place. When I turned down the Warblers request to have me transfer back to Dalton and rejoin them, I feel as though I finally severed ties with them in a more final sense than I did the first time around. Mainly because I can no longer just transfer back without severely disrupting my studies, but also because I rejected them. Either way, that gave me a sense of commitment that I had yet to really feel in conjunction with New Directions. Don't get me wrong, I felt at home there last year and I would never intentionally betray them, but I always felt at home because _Kurt_ was there, not because of the New Directions themselves. I never really realized that until he left, and I suddenly started to feel as though my anchor was gone.

I'm feeling more connected to them all now though. I apologized for almost leaving without saying goodbye and doubting that they were my family. Really I need to thank Sam for making me see sense. While I do miss Dalton, I miss my Dalton, _our_ Dalton, not the Dalton that exists now. Going back would have just been another form of trying to punish myself even more for what went I did to us. Seeing all of those places that are so important to the beginnings of our friendship and relationship would have been torture every day. Sam told me I need to stop punishing myself, and Dalton would be a form of self-punishment. He said I need to forgive myself and try to make it right.

I can't exactly make things right if I can't talk to Kurt, but hopefully by respecting his wishes that I _don't_ talk to him, I'll be able to make it a little bit of the way to making it right. In the meantime, while I wait for Kurt to hopefully come back to me someday, I'm going to work on forgiving myself. I know self-forgiveness won't come right away without hearing that he forgives me first, but I'm going to try. If I want to make this right, I think I need to be able to build myself stronger - with more people that I can trust and confide in. For the longest time, especially after the slushy incident, Kurt has been the only person that I told things to. It worked fine for a while, especially back at Dalton, but I think it started falling apart towards the end of last year because I was _scared_ and I didn't want to sort out my feelings about Kurt with, well, _Kurt_.

Talking to Sam about our relationship and other aspects of my life is as good a place as any. Hopefully in a few months' time I'll be ready to face the world as a better, stronger person who isn't as afraid to lose a loved one for actively pointing out issues.

-Blaine

* * *

Saturday November 17th, 2012

I started up my college apps again. I think I'm going to apply to a few New York schools as planned but also throw in an LA school and a few others. I have no idea how this year is going to pan out and ideally I would like to have some options. If there's one thing I learned from Kurt and Rachel it's that options aren't always a bad thing. In fact, they rarely are.

-Blaine

* * *

Monday November 19th, 2012

Basically all I have to I have to say about my day is _Gangnam Style_? Really Finn? Also Santana, Mike, Mercedes, Quinn, and Puck are all visiting for the break and are apparently going to help us prepare for Sectionals. I understand Mike coaching on the dancing but… I'm not sure if I've ever really seen the rest of them apply themselves well enough to actually help? Except maybe Mercedes. But who am I to question Finn's teaching methods. At least we're finally working on our show though. I have no idea how Tina's going to learn Gangnam Style in time, but I bet she can do it, and she'll be amazing at it. I never quite got why she didn't get more parts. Oh well.

-Blaine

* * *

Wednesday November 21st, 2012

There is way too much going on right now so I'm constantly tired and busy and thank god we'll have a few days off from everything once Sectional's is over. I need a _break_.

-Blaine

* * *

Thursday November 22nd 2012

Today was a really big day between sectionals and Thanksgiving. Barely anything went to plan, but some of that was definitely a good thing because KURT. CALLED. ME. He didn't butt dial me or hang up really fast. He called to talk to me. All things considered, it's really good he called me right then because if it had been mid-competition I probably would have answered right then, professionalism be damned.

The phone call went better than I could have ever reasonably imagined. We made plans to talk things out at Christmas; Ice skating and coffee potentially included. I can't believe I'll get to see and talk to him so soon. He hasn't forgiven me yet, but _I_ don't forgive me and I know more about what happened then he does so I don't blame him one bit. He did however accept my apology and tell me that I'm his best friend. He also told me that he loves me too. So. Progress. _Really really good progress._ Progress that makes me barely care about what I have to report next.

We lost Sectionals. Gangnum Style somehow pulled together in time and we kicked butt at it, but then Marley passed out at the end of it. We rushed her off stage of course, but apparently in the show choir book of stupid and ridiculous rules it dictates that at least one person must remain onstage at all times when a team is performing. It's preposterous. Someone _passed out_. If there were a fire onstage would we be expected to leave someone up there too?! They should consider the mitigating circumstances.

The Warblers were declared the winners. While I was quite impressed with their performance overall, I do think that they should have been disqualified because _Whistle?!_ It's a song about blow jobs. that's not... High school glee clubs should not be performing that. I'm so glad I didn't transfer back there.

After that all happened, I gave Kurt a call. I was really nervous that he would have changed his mind about everything while I was performing that that he would have gone back to ignoring me but... he answered. So I gave him our update (he was upset of course) and then we chatted for a tiny bit before my parents stopped by the choir room to get me.

So now, after a surprisingly good Thanksgiving, I need to go to sleep and hope that this hasn't all been some crazy dream.

-Blaine


	8. Swan Song

Friday November 23rd, 2012

Kurt called me again today! I know it's only been a day, but I honestly am still kind of expecting Kurt to suddenly cut off communications again because he realized trying to reconnect was a big mistake. I hope he doesn't. I don't think he will, but there's this niggling voice at the back of my head that likes to plant bad thoughts in my head. In any case, Kurt called me while he was out Black Friday shopping. I didn't go myself this year because, well, I couldn't find anyone to go with me, and it was mine and Kurt's thing. Even that first year that we met, it was _our_ thing. I didn't really want to go without him by my side... or charging ahead and barking out orders to anyone else who joined us as to what they needed to grab or protect. It would have been too weird to go without him, so I stayed in and slept.

Kurt called around 5am, after he'd been at it for two hours and woke me up. It was completely worth the early wakeup call, though. I've missed listening to his shopping babble because he gets into the mode and he just _goes_. He shows this whole other side of his amazing self and it just makes me happy. We talked for about two hours before he finally decided it was time to head back to the loft and hope he wouldn't suddenly regret one of his purchases.

I have to go to a family thing now. The only good news is that the homophobic seconds cousins were officially banned from our gatherings last year, so I won't have to deal with them.

-Blaine

* * *

Sunday November 25th, 2012

I went to the Lima Bean today. If you've known me for the past few years I'm sure that your response is "yeah, and?" because I'm a regular there. But I haven't been back there since... oh wow, since Kurt left. Today however, I made it back there.

At first I hadn't been going because I was too busy cramming my schedule with other things to stop by, but then it became deliberate a few weeks late when I felt I was losing Kurt. I just couldn't bear to go there without Kurt by my side. Breaking up made it difficult to even just drive by the building without having to pull over and cry. Now that we're talking again though I think I'll be able to take it.

The barista asked about Kurt. We're regulars, so the staff knows us and I just... I don't know how I'm supposed to condense everything down into a tiny break up story that I can tell without crying. I don't know. I couldn't tell her that we broke up so I just said that he was doing good but staying in New York for Thanksgiving because he couldn't get the time off from his Vogue internship. It was nice to be back there though, regardless of any rat that Kurt may or may not have been spotted there.

-Blaine

* * *

Monday November 26th, 2012

I walked by the choir room during school today. It's practically empty now. I really don't understand how this school allocates space. Besides that, things were weird with everyone in Glee. We were all sitting in little clumps at lunch instead of one big group of most of us. And there were weird tensions when people saw each other in the hallways. I hope things aren't like that forever.

-Blaine

* * *

Tuesday November 27th, 2012

Tina and I decided to join the Cheerios. With glee club no longer competing (and us being kicked out of the choir room for some reason), we all – especially the seniors – wanted a venue to compete. The Cheerios were surprisingly easy to join so… we joined! It'll be nice in a weird way to be wearing a uniform all the time again. I do still miss my Dalton tie and jacket.

Artic joined the marching band (someone should probably tell him that there is no such thing as a "drum leader"), Jake and Ryder joined the basketball team, and Unique joined the floor hockey team. When then had to break the news to Finn about us all moving on and that was not fun. Marley is the only one who is dead set on continuing and, well, I do feel bad for her. She passed out, so everyone (Tina especially – I need to tell her to calm down) blames her for what happened. I do get that on the surface it looks like it's her fault. The whole thing with Kurt kind of gave me some perspective on it through and it's not at all fair for us to put all of the blame on her.

She messed up. If we had all been looking out for each other more in the first place though, we may have been able to avoid losing. We've had so few moments of unification between us this year and because she's so new to our family it's easy to throw her under the bus. I don't really feel like trying to get New Directions going again though because it seems like such a challenge just to not compete, but I can tell everyone to be nice to her. She doesn't deserve peoples crap.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, telling Finn manifested itself as us showing up in the auditorium in our various uniforms, him getting upset, and then everyone trickling out while he told us to meet in the courtyard on Friday night. I don't know if I'm going to go. I probably will because I hate letting people down and I'm feeling more enthusiastic about singing now that Kurt and I are talking again, but I really don't know. Maybe I'll discuss it with Kurt when I call him tonight.

-Blaine

* * *

Friday November 30th, 2012

First off, it snowed today! Secondly, I am happy to report that New Directions has regrouped. Tina and I talked about it after Cheerio's yesterday and we decided that while it is awful that we are no longer able to compete, we should embrace the fact that Finn is trying to keep this opportunity open for us and all that glee has done for our high school experience. We quit the Cheerios and told everyone that we were going to rehearsal tonight. Much to our delight, almost everyone showed up. It was really wonderful to see our family willingly come together like that.

We now have the winter concert to prepare for. I can't quite remember why we were going one in the first place, seeing as how no one ever comes to these things, but at least we'll have something to work towards.

-Blaine

* * *

Monday December 3rd, 2012

Kurt and I have been texting back and forth again. Not _too_ often because things are still awkward between us and we aren't going to talk about everything until Christmas, but at least we're communicating. When I text him something random about glee or McKinley or Cooper he actually replies. Sometimes he's even the one to text me first. It's not much, but it's a start.

-Blaine

* * *

Thursday December 6th, 2012

KURT CALLED. APPARENTLY MS. TIBIDEAUX LET HIM TRY OUT AT THEIR PRESTIGIOUS WINTER CONCERT. He sang Being Alive. Rachel told me, "Kurt kicked-ass, although my performance was even more spectacular and I got a standing ovation." I wish they had been able to record it. I really miss watching Kurt sing on a stage. I'm really happy for him though. Fingers crossed that Ms. Tibideaux sees the error of her ways and lets him in this time around.

... Maybe we'll get to go to school together in the fall? If I apply to NYADA? I'll have to make sure that he would be okay with that.

-Blaine

* * *

Monday December 10th, 2012

For all the feet dragging that they seem to do with their first semester acceptances, NYADA seems to balance that out by fast tracking their applicants for the second semester. I am therefore pleased to announce that KURT HUMMEL HAS BEEN ACCEPTED TO THE NEW YORK ACADEMY FOR THE DRAMATIC ARTS. As you can probably tell, I'm really happy and excited for him. Now I can stop begrudging Rachel her acceptance when she chocked the first time around and Kurt was flawless.

My amazingly talented boyfriend best friend will now be attending NYADA _and_ interning at Vogue. I don't know how I got so lucky that he ever wanted _me_. Even if he doesn't anymore… how am I going to get him to want me back again?

The downside of his NYADA acceptance is that Kurt will no longer be coming home for Christmas, which means we won't be able to see each other or have our heart to heart quite yet. I do get why he's staying in New York but... I'm not sure where that leaves me and us. The two of us definitely need to have a good long discussion about everything that has happened. There's an awkwardness to all of our conversations at the moment that can only be eliminated if we talk over everything. Kurt knows this as well. I don't know what we're going to do about it, but maybe I can persuade my dad to take me with him the next time he has business in NYC.

I'm... if this were last year Kurt would have visited me, no questions asked, even if his family was going to visit Carol's out of town relatives...

-Blaine

* * *

Thursday December 13th, 2012

I really wish Kurt were coming home for Christmas. Now I don't know when I'll be seeing him next and I just really want the air between us to be cleared so we can move past this. Glee club is going well, school is going well, Tina, Sam, and I are hanging out a lot, and I finally feel as though I have some semblance of a decent life at McKinley. If Kurt and I can clear the air between us, everything will be headed the right direction again.

-Blaine

* * *

Sunday December 16th, 2012

Burt called me today with good news and bad news. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer last week. They caught it early, but it's still cancer and that's terrifying. He's looking at last minute flights though so that he can go visit Kurt for Christmas. He wants to tell Kurt in person. I have to keep it all a secret until then. He did however ask me if I could visit Kurt over Christmas as well. At first I was reluctant to agree, because I don't want to see Kurt before he's ready for that, especially if he'll have just received the news that his dad has cancer, but Burt insisted that I should go. He wants me there to help support Kurt, and how could I say no to that?

Rachel is joining her dads on a cruise so she won't be around and Burt wants Kurt to have someone to talk to about this besides him. After I agreed he also muttered something about how Kurt and I need a face to face talk anyways. I think he might actually be _trying_ to get us back together in some form. I don't know whether to cry because _Burt_ believes in us or if I should be trying to figure out what his secret diabolical plan is. I don't know. Anyways, I talked to my parents about it and they agreed to pay for my train ticket as part of my Christmas present. We were going to go to my Uncle Lester's house this year and they know how much I hate it there, so I think that helped them to agree. So I'm going to visit Kurt over Christmas. For five days. I need to make the most of it.

-Blaine

* * *

Tuesday December 18th, 2012

White Christmas. I'm going to meet Kurt at an ice rink in New York and surprise him. Then I am going to hope that he agrees to sing a duet with me and we are going to sing White Christmas. It's a little bit whimsical but mostly just a classical Christmas song that I don't have to worry about making him uncomfortable with. If all goes well after that hopefully we can get hot chocolate and then either talk or head back to his apartment and find some time the day after Christmas to have our heart to heart away from Burt.

I still have to call the rink to coordinate with them and then talk to them, day of, but I think it's a good plan. It's not pushy and it harkens back to our Christmas duets of years past. Plus, Burt likes my idea.

-Blaine

* * *

Friday December 21st, 2012

All of three people showed up to our winter concert (surprise, surprise), but Coach Sylvester didn't try to sabotage us so that was nice.

I get to see Kurt in three days. I'm excited and I'm nervous and I'm still in shock that Burt reached out to me to invite me along. Because he wants me there and he thinks Kurt wants me there to and it just means a _lot_ to me. My parents and I are going to have a little Christmas celebration of our own tomorrow night. It should be really nice. Cooper wanted to come but can't make it back in time so we're going to skype him in which should be an adventure. It least I won't have to worry about him pointing vigorously and forgetting the carving knife is in his hand again. Last time that happened… well… let's just say it's good I have fast reflexes and was able to block him with my plate.

-Blaine


	9. Glee, Actually

Sunday December 23rd, 2012

Dear Kurt,

I am currently packing to come visit you for Christmas!? I'm really excited, but I'm also nervous. Because we've only been talking since Thanksgiving and I think we're slowly repairing our friendship but I'm concerned that my visiting with no warning could be too much too soon for you.

Your dad convinced me that I'm the one who should be there after he breaks the news to you about his cancer (I swear Kurt, I ran into him about a week ago and when he told me I was ready to jump on the next plane to hug you, but then he told me he hadn't told you yet. I both hate the secret keeping and am touched that he told me something like that, let alone trusted me. I thought I'd have to earn his trust back for at least as long as it takes me to regain yours. I've been around your house a bunch with Tina and Sam lately though, so who knows. He kind of saw me once or twice when I was really a mess about you because Sam dragged me over. He didn't really understand that I couldn't deal with all the memories while we weren't talking so he kept insisting that I hang out with him there.

I'm hoping that things aren't weird between us when I get there. We've made it through so much other stuff and out conversations are having less and less stilted pauses, so I have faith that things will go well. Since you weren't able to come here for break, I'm hoping you'll indulge me in dueting while we ice skate. I figure we have an annual duet to cash in on, and you promised me skating, so why not combine them?

We haven't talked about this yet because you just got into NYADA a few days ago (!) but it's December so I've got my college apps basically set. I went in and talked to Ms. Pillsbury about schools but... she doesn't really know much so I had to do a lot of research on my own, and I now have a list of New York schools I'm applying to. I did some thinking, and after a lot of questioning whether I wanted to go to New York for _you_ or for _me_, I decided that New York is still the place I want to be. I'm so glad that I'll be able to do that with you as my friend. I've sent my applications to five schools in NYC, but my NYADA application is still waiting to go out. I want to make sure it's okay with you that I apply. Knowing you, it will be, but I wouldn't feel right invading your territory like that without your permission.

Okay... This is way longer than it was supposed to be. I ramble when I'm nervous. We know this.

I'll be seeing you soon.

All my love,

Blaine

* * *

Monday December 24th, 2012

I'm currently sitting at a table next to the ice rink waiting for Kurt. Burt told me that he would text me when he sent Kurt out, then would grab my stuff from the locker I stashed it in. Everything is set with the ice rink. I have skates for Kurt on hold and I have my skates on my feet and they let me do a practice run through with the music and really all I need is Kurt. Which sounds simpler than it is. I need Kurt to get here and then stay after he finds out that _I'm _the surprise. You know, the ex-boyfriend who was a jerk and cheated on him. And then I need him to agree to skate with me and sing. What if he doesn't want to? What if he just turns around and leaves when he sees me? We've never had a positive experience when we've been in New York together. He'll have just found out about his dad. I don't… what if he leaves? What if he turns down my duet? What if he changed his mind about the heart to heart and was glad he had an excuse to stay in New York for Christmas?

Tina and Sam told me to stop freaking out but I just don't _know_ and it's _Kurt_. He's the most important person in my life and I can't have him turn his back on me again. I just can't. Especially not on Christmas when I traveled all this way by his _dad's _request to come see him.

-Blaine

* * *

Friday December 28th, 2012

Dear Kurt,

I'm writing to you from the plane because it was a race to the airport and then a relay race through security because you and your dad have very distracting debates. These past four days with you were amazing. I mean, I was terrified at first, but then you said you were always happy to see me and I felt like I could fly. You looked a little bit… less than happy actually, but I'm choosing to attribute that to a combination of the weirdness of seeing me suddenly, and just having learned that your dad has cancer only to find out that I knew before you did.

Going in to this trip, I knew that it wouldn't all be fun because Burt invited me along to help make sure you were okay, or at least processing, his announcement that he has cancer. I think I helped. I hope I helped. To be honest, I'm still surprised that my parents let me spend _Christmas_ with you when we aren't even dating, but they're making me go to a party or two with them on New Year's Eve in exchange for this trip so at least I know they won't hold it over me later.

I think I feel better about the place that we're at now. I'm not 100% _content_ with it because I _just want you back_, but I can wait. I can do that for you. I can do that for us. I'm glad we kind of got to actually have a conversation while I was there too. Not as much as I wanted to because I feel like there's somehow still so much you don't know, but enough so that I think we can move forward for real now.

I know we stayed up late a few nights ago researching prostate cancer, and that the statistics weren't too bad on recovery, but I know you'll probably drive yourself crazy with it until we get the all clear anyways. Please, please, _please_ don't do that to yourself. He'll be okay Kurt. I know it feels like when one thing goes right in your life, something else goes up in flames, but it will work out. I'm checking up on your dad, Carl will be too, Finn's living there now, and so is Sam. We'll be looking out for him. Plus they caught it really early. Everything except the word "cancer" points to him having a full recovery after treatment. Besides, he is _incredibly_ stubborn. He rivals you in stubbornness. I'm fairly certain that if he needed to, he could defeat this cancer through sheer force of will.

...Okay, sometimes I forget that I have no intention of sending you these letters so my pep talks to you have no impact on you. Nor does anything else I write. I'll have to make sure to tell you some of that next time we talk.

Love always,

Blaine


	10. Sadie Hawkins

Friday January 2nd, 2013

Kurt and I are definitely talking more freely now. We're obviously still not back to whatever someone could consider as normal, but we're getting close. We spent a lot of break talking about Kurt entering NYADA and his nerves about that as well as his concerns about his dad. And then. We talked about what I was planning on auditioning for NYADA with. We also caught up a bit on what happened during "The Dark Time" as Kurt has decided to name it. It's been really good. Being able to talk to him more freely again has made it easier to work on forgiving myself for what I did. It's also just made me happier because Kurt always makes me happy.

On the McKinley front, Sam spent the last week doing research and he thinks the Warblers cheated at Sectionals. He suspects them of using steroids and noticed that Trent was missing from their ranks. I don't _want_ to believe him because those guys used to be my family and I can't believe they would do something like that, but ever since Sebastian showed up they've gone downhill. He needs more proof but I think it actually might turn out to be something. Some of those Warblers _definitely_ couldn't pull of those flips when I was one of them. We're going to look into it some more this weekend and talk to Trent but I'm a bit wary of the whole thing. They're the _Warblers_ we used to be the most respected team in the district.

Student Council has been going well so far since I got elected but today Tina decided that we are going to have a Sadie Hawkins dance. She knows what happened at my old school. I told all of them after Karofsky attempted suicide. I didn't tell them in great detail but they all seemed to lack an understanding of how horrible kids can be, especially when it comes to sexuality. Even Santana didn't _quite_ know. She understood a bit, but she never faced the same time of bullying that Kurt and I did and do (although being outed as part of a _political_ campaign is awful and I don't envy her that). It was odd how much none of them seemed to understand after having watched Kurt be pulled day in and day out. Especially seeing as how some of them _were_ the bullies. In any case, I told them a bit about that dance, leaving out some of the more painful details and… apparently Tina forgot? And I didn't really want to bring it up because she was so fired up about the idea.

-Blaine

* * *

Tuesday January 8th, 2013

The Sadie Hawkins dance is officially a go. It's happening next week because McKinley seems to run on a really fast track as far as events are concerned. I don't think I'll go though. I don't have anyone to go with and… well, my parents would rather not have me go and I just don't feel up to going to a dance where everyone's going to be all romantic and I can't be. I, umm, I also think I have a crush on Sam? I know he's straight and he's dating Brittany and all of that but he just makes me _laugh_ and he's helped me so much through this break up and his _lips_. I feel really bad about it though. I don't want to ruin our friendship and I definitely don't want Kurt to hear about it because I don't want him to think I've moved on. I haven't. It's just that I have a minor crush on someone else.

-Blaine

* * *

Friday January 11th, 2013

Kurt just finished his first week at NYADA and he sounded really happy about it. He's obviously still settling in and apparently Rachel wasn't around as much as he would have liked, but he likes his classes and he's working on joining some of the clubs there. It's kind of funny that Kurt's the one now looking into joining things after I spend all of September doing that. I hope he finds the right place for himself without overloading between school and NYADA.

He did sound a bit lonely because of Rachel not being around as much as he had expected, but he seemed to have a good attitude about finding his own niche, which is good. I'm excited to get to grill him for all the details that will hopefully come in handy for me in the fall.

-Blaine

* * *

Tuesday January 15th, 2013

Finn announced yesterday that this week is "Ladies' Choice." This means that every girl is going to sing to whoever they want to ask to the dance. I was really looking forward to hearing all of the girls sing solos and getting to see them be all romantic serenading people, but then today happened. Tina sang I Don't Know How to Love Him from Jesus Christ Superstar (the locker room, where we were rehearsing because we lost the choir room to the Cheerio's, has surprisingly good acoustics). I kind of spent the entire song thinking she was singing to Artie or Ryder or someone who _wasn't_ me. Then she asked _me_ to the dance and I just froze. Because Tina knows I'm gay and I just don't understand why she wanted to ask me to be her date when she knows that. After a moment I said no, and felt awful about it because I hurt her feelings. And turned her down in front of the entire glee club.

Afterwards, she found me at my locker and apologized for asking saying that she'd forgotten all about that story I'd told about the dance at my old school. Then she asked _me_ to apologize to her for humiliating her like that. I didn't really feel like I needed to apologize because I had every right to say no to her and it's not like I went out of my way to crush her anything, but I ended up avoiding having to say anything because we got into a discussion about my crush.

She now knows I like Sam. It was oddly freeing to tell her, honestly. I told her that I had no intention of doing anything because I like that we prove that the gay guy and the straight guy can be friends. And then we sat in the hallway and had a moment of gushing about him because his _lips_ and his _impressions_. Ahem. Anyway. Tina and I are now going to the dance as best friends. I'm kind of looking forward to it.

-Blaine

* * *

Thursday January 17th, 2013

Dear Kurt,

I know that you know that the dance was tonight. I know I left a bubbly message about it. I'm writing this anyways because it just went so _well_ Kurt. I don't know how Tina pulled off such a nice dance (seriously Kurt, I hope there are some good pictures of it because you would have _loved_ the decor) with a minuscule budget, but she did.

I guess most of my message was me telling you about how Sam cracked the case to bring down the Warblers. I didn't really talk much about the dance itself. I had fun at it? I mean, at first I was nervous and there were bits that were not much fun for various reasons throughout the night, and _leaving_ was nerve-racking. But I did it. Tina got me through it somehow and _thank you_ for calming me down when I was freaking out earlier. I didn't want Tina (or Sam) to know how freaked out about it I really was.

Despite the fact that I didn't get to go with who I wanted, between performing, getting a solid case against the Warblers, and dancing, it was a lot of fun.

Next time we talk though I am demanding more information about NYADA. I didn't realize at the time because I've been so caught up in the dance, but you were oddly quiet about it. i know you don't owe me information about it or anything but I need confirmation that you're kicking butt before I send my "I told you so," letter in to admissions. Also, it kind of worries me that you barely said anything about it because that and your dad's health have practically been the only things on your mind since Christmas. So next phone call you are telling me because I begin to think you dropped out or something.

I love you!

Blaine

* * *

Thursday January 17th, 2013

The Sadie Hawkins dance was actually a lot of fun. A bit sad because, yeah, basically everyone there was with someone they were dating or could date, but besides that it was fun. The guys all performed No Scrubs which was a great way to start things off and then there was dancing. Which Sam interrupted because he had a break through on the Warblers cheating scandal. We talked to Finn and he said there was enough evidence to try and get them disqualified (Trent agreed to be a witness so that helped). We're going to be able to compete again. I'm really excited.

I feel a bit bad for Trent because he has to betray the Warblers but I'm also really proud of him for having the courage to do that. I don't know if I would. Whatever. We're going to be back.

-Blaine


	11. I Do

Tuesday February 12th, 2013

Oh wow, it's been a few weeks since I've written. My life is good but crazy busy these days. Between student council, the return of glee club (Sam and I succeeded in getting the Warblers disqualified!), the ten other clubs I'm in, waiting anxiously to hear back from schools, hanging out with Tina and Sam, talking to Kurt occasionally, and homework, I've been completely swamped. It's mostly a good thing though. I mean, I could always do with a bit less homework, but at least McKinley is way less rigorous than Dalton in that regard. New Directions can compete again though and we're preparing for Mr. Schue and Ms. Pilsbury's wedding too so that's been crazy and fun. It's nice to work towards a goal other than competitions where we'll be judged. We also managed to pull off a Men of McKinley Calendar that's helping to fund us! That was an ordeal in itself. Sam had a freak out over his body and went a _bit_ crazy with work outs and eating until I finally sat him down and we talked about things and then I presented him with a video I made of everyone talking about how Sam had changed them in a positive way. It was a pain to get everyone to pull together for it, but what I got from everyone was great and I think it really helped him realize he was more than his body.

The week after that our theme was divas, and while I was sick during it, I think I did rather well. Tina was really helpful that week, she even made me a little care kit.

Did I mention that Kurt is coming back for the wedding?! Which is on Valentine's Day?! Meaning I may be able to persuade him to sing with me! By the way dear journal, Kurt and I are getting along quite well these days. We're talking two or three times a week now for a solid hour. I'm honestly impressed that he has managed to carve out the time for it now that he has NYADA _and_ to balance Vogue. But when Kurt Hummel puts his mind to something... I just wish he'd seen that before we broke up Okay, not thinking about that aspect of it. It will get me know where. Kurt is making time for me because he _wants to_ and I have found myself with a group of people other than Kurt to help support me when I need them. We're both growing. If I'm lucky he'll be ready to take me back someday soon. Which brings me back to the wedding.

Tina and I are going together. She doesn't want to get back together with Mike and, well, carpooling is fun and will lessen the likelihood that I run into Santana and have her grill me for information on Brittany and Sam. I'm going to have to talk to her about Kurt though because every time I mention him she gets this weird look on her face and I can't have anything get in the way of me asking Kurt to dance and hopefully getting to. I think he'll say yes. We're at a good place right now. Since I visited, and even more so after the Sadie Hawkins dance, we've been back to being actual friends. We've been talking for longer than that, but I think we somehow found solid middle ground at Christmas. I'll have to remember to thank Burt for that, without him inviting me to New York, I don't think Kurt and I would have made it through the incredibly awkward and hurt phase of recovery until I moved out to New York next year.

Moving on... Ms. Pilsbury and Mr. Schue are finally getting married, and I'm really excited for them and ignoring the fact that it's a bit weird that Mr. Schue's best friend is Finn who was his student _last year_, I'm looking forward to it. Weddings are just really romantic and the reception should be a lot of fun, between the getting to perform and hopefully persuading Kurt to dance with me. Also hopefully persuading him to sing with me. I've been throwing hints at him for like, a month, so hopefully he'll be warmed to the idea when I ask him.

Unfortunately, I don't get to see him until the day of the wedding because him and Santana get in on the train in the middle of the night so they miss Kurt misses as little school as possible, but then he's staying through Sunday!

I just need this weekend to go well. It has so much potential but I cannot get my hopes up. If I get to see Kurt and talk to him for a bit, then I will count it as a success. We're friends again, it should be a piece of cake (yumm wedding cake).

-Blaine

* * *

Thursday February 14th, 2013

Kurt and I had sex early tonight. We made love. We slept together. He decided that I was worth it. And that he trusted me enough to share that again. Just as friends of course. But I was beginning to really doubt that he would ever take me back. Last night made me realize that it's inevitable. He's going to take me back no matter how many times he repeats that we're just friends. I just have to wait him out. It did hurt a little bit though when he told me that having sex didn't mean anything to him, but I know it did. I just have to be patient and wait for him to realize and acknowledge it. He waited months for me to realize that I was in love with him, I can do the same in return.

He couldn't keep his hands off me all day though. It was almost as though we were dating again, except he sat with Rachel during the wedding and I sat with Tina. He was also way more direct and okay with displays of public affection (he didn't stop our back seat of the car hook up even though multiple people caught us back there) than normal. Needless to say, I had no complaints because if Kurt wants to kiss me then who am I to say no?

Speaking of the wedding, they didn't get married. Ms. Pilsbury ran out before it started and Coach Sylvester walked down the aisle instead. After that happened, we all - except Finn and Rachel - went out for lunch before the reception (it started at 4) and planned some additional songs because last year's seniors didn't really have any assigned to them and we figured why not. Kurt volunteered us for a duet, so we sang Just Can't Get Enough which we used to sing all the time last year. As you can probably guess, Kurt volunteering us to sing that was all kinds of wonderful. It didn't prepare me for the shock of him bringing me back to the hotel room that he apparently reserved halfway through the reception though. I honestly can't believe I got to be with him like that again.

I guess I should take a moment to mention the main aspect of the day that worried me. Kurt apparently has a guy back in New York. Based off the fact that we repeatedly hooked up (something _he_ initiated each time, so I know I wasn't pushing him into it) and him saying it wasn't exclusive I'm not horribly worried about it. But still. Kurt is a catch and of course there are other guys swooping in to grab him. But I don't want them too. I know Kurt and I aren't dating anymore, but he's _mine_. We just have to work our way back there. And I don't want another guy interfering with that. I could be blowing this out of proportion because they aren't official or anything and Kurt seemed to really enjoy being with me, but I just worry. I know just how wonderful and amazing Kurt is and I can understand why other guys would be interested in him. Let's just hope that no one better than me starts vying for his attention.

-Blaine

* * *

Sunday February 17th, 2013

Dear Journal,

Please allow me to pretend that you are Kurt for a moment because there are things that happened over the weekend that I want to express to him but I just _can't_ because we're not at that place yet. Instead I'm just going to pretend that you're him for a moment though because I think it'll help me pick apart the weekend.

-Blaine

* * *

Dear Kurt,

So this weekend. That was, well. Something I was afraid might never happen again. I'm not going to lie, I thought at first that you kissing me like that would mean we were getting back together and that sex wasn't even an option. You still zig when I think you're going to zag though, so you, of course, surprised me. Mostly in a good way.

I would honestly rather just _be together again_ instead of letting you go back to New York where anything could happen, but I can give you more time if that's what you need. I hurt you and I don't want to push you, even if the amount of times you said the term "just friends" in relation to us is somehow both hilarious and painful. Although, it's kind of becoming funny because of the sheer number of times you said it to someone this weekend (eleven Kurt. And those are just the times I was there). It reminds me of back before we were dating actually. I thought we were completely platonic for _months_, and you just knew that I was being an idiot and waited me out. I plan on doing the same this time, even if I have to wait years. I don't think I will thought. At least I hope I won't.

I am curious about this guy you're seeing in New York though. I was afraid to ask you because I don't think I'm ready for us to gush to each other about guys. I really want to know where you and your heart stand on him though. If I move to New York and you're dating him (or someone else) I'll hopefully be able to grin and bear it, but I'm really not ready to hear about it. I wish I was but I just _can't_. I do want to know though, I _need_ to know because I want to make sure I'm not overstepping or thinking things are going to happen when you're occupied with someone else.

I would ask why you didn't tell me until we were making out in my car but... I wouldn't really want to tell me either. Especially when (as far as I know) neither of us had plans (well, I may have day dreamed about it happening but I never expected it to _actually_ happen, especially with my plans to go to the wedding with Tina) to, uh, get together before/ after the wedding that wasn't. (And then, uh, yesterday after the double feature)

I was afraid to bring it up earlier because I didn't want to scare you away but wow Kurt, I don't know how you suddenly mastered the art of being devastatingly sexy, but holy crap when you told me to meet you downstairs?! I had to talk myself out of jerking off after because _Kurt_. I've known you were incredibly sexy for ages, but that was a whole new level. It somehow temporarily made up for the sting of us not being back together again.

_Thank you_ for this weekend though.. It was so much more time than I believed I'd get with you between your dad, the wedding and us being broken up. Even with our duet rehearsals. It meant the world to me, so thank you. It was also just nice to get a weekend with barely any awkward tension. I think I can now safely say that we're best friends again with minimal awkwardness between us.

I'm just really happy about all of this. All things considered, this weekend gave me some really hope. We will be back together again. You may not have said it but I can feel that you're still in love with me. Hopefully we'll have it figured out by the time I'm in New York, but if not, I know it'll happen eventually. you're still in love with me and I just need to be patient and wait until you realize that and get to a place where you can be with me again. I just hate waiting, especially when I can't see you all the time. I can do it for you though, because it'll be worth it. And in the meantime we've somehow been managing to talk three times a week so I'm content. I better go sleep before student council in the morning.

Forever yours,

Blaine


	12. Girls (and Boys) on Film

Monday February 18th, 2013

Today in glee club we were assigned songs from movies as a mash up on a team with our gender. To be honest, I was surprised that Mr. Schue came up with such a decent idea. He usually isn't _terrible_ at thinking things up, but especially in the wake of being left at the alter... let's just say I was impressed. Also, I love everyone in glee but they have got to learn to strengthen their brain to mouth filter when it comes to making insensitive comments. Yes, the elephant in the room is that we all saw Mr. Schue get left at the alter over the weekend (okay, so I had mostly forgotten that in the wake of _Kurt_ but still), but that doesn't mean we have to drag it to the foreground of our attention in such a blasé way.

After my shock at this (I thought I would be used to the crazy and the insensitivity in the group after a year and a half, especially with how it has been toned down slightly as far as power struggles go, but it can still catch me off guard somehow), Artie announced that he was looking to cast his new movie. I had no idea he had a new movie that he was working on. He refused to tell us much about it, but I want to be in it. Not only to add to my resume, but for the experience and I think it would be fun. I don't hang out with Artie as much as I probably should, and he did do a wonderful job last year with the Christmas Special. That was a fun couple of weeks… I'd forgotten that Artie wrote that with Kurt and I in mind…

Speaking of Kurt, the day after the wedding we went to the double feature of All About Eve and Showgirls with Tina. And then after Tina left Kurt dragged me back to his (empty) house and we had sex again. My only complaint about that (because god how can I actually _complain_ about sex with Kurt?) is that he's still maintaining this "just friends" thing. I would be so frustrated but I can see the irony in this whole thing. Two years ago I was the oblivious one, now he is. Well. He's not actually oblivious. He's… well, I broke his trust in the worst way possible. So while I think he's forgiven me by now, I think he's too scared to accept that he's still in love with me. I just have to collect my patience and wait for him to be ready to date me again. I also have to hope that after this he'll break up with guy in New York that he's kind of seeing. He didn't mention him beyond when we were making out before the wedding, but I don't think that guarantees me anything. Kurt made it clear that we weren't getting back together. So while I try to be as patient as possible, I think I'll throw my energy into New Directions because I've mostly been taking a backseat since Kurt left. This is my senior year and I'm going to fulfill my role as the new Rachel if I can. Except better because I want the group to be happy and functioning whether or not I get solos.

I'm going to go hunt down some movie songs that I love. If I want to be a leader, I should have a few suggestions, right?

-Blaine

* * *

Tuesday February 19th, 2013

Brittany and I got everyone to perform Shout today! It was fun even if it didn't fall into the mash up category. Sam and I spent the afternoon with the guys and we persuaded them to do a mash up of Old Time Rock n' Roll and Danger Zone tomorrow, so I'm excited about that.

In New York news, there's a huge snowstorm hitting them so Kurt, Santana, and Rachel have apparently been holed up in their apartment all day with no classes taking place. What I would give to be holed up in an apartment with Kurt because of snow… Apparently they watched Moulin Rouge to keep Santana and Rachel from killing each other. Also, Kurt misses me. And he was watching _Moulin Rouge_. He was watching our movie. I'm sure he could have gotten Santana and Rachel to choose a different one if he'd wanted. But he didn't. _Kurt watched _our _movie_.

-Blaine

* * *

Wednesday February 20th, 2013

We did our mash up today. I don't really know what to say except that it was a blast and I'm pretty sure we won. Also it was a little distracting having Sam dancing around with no pants on but I didn't do anything stupid so I think my being slightly distracted didn't harm us. Seriously though, this assignment has been a lot of fun and the perfect thing to keep me relatively happy and distracted from thinking about where Kurt is at.

-Blaine

* * *

Thursday February 21st, 2013

Not to be constantly fretting about Kurt or anything, but I can't tell if he's avoiding me or if he's just busy trying to catch up the things he missed while he was home for the wedding. I've barely heard from him since he left. Every once in a while he'll answer a text but we haven't talked on the phone since he got back to New York. I don't know what that's about. It's not even like he had classes the last two days, he was snowed into his apartment. Tuesday was actually the last time he texted me actually, something about how they were watching Moulin Rouge. And then he said that he misses me. Him telling me that they were watching that and then saying that he misses me could actually mean a _lot_. We have a plan to sing Come What May at our wedding, and I always used to serenade him with Your Song. Aside from that, Moulin Rouge was our go to movie. So him missing me well watching that well… that gives me hope. And it means the world to me. And I don't know why I haven't heard from him since but I'm going to channel my restlessness in to hoping rather than calling and texting until I get a response.

On the good news front, Mr. Schue brought us to the place Ms. Pilsbury has been holed up since the wedding and we sang In Your Eyes outside her window, complete with boom box. Afterwards she came outside, and then Mr. Schue sent us all home so the two of them could talk. I hoped they worked things out somewhat. They're really cute together and I just want them to be happy.

-Blaine

* * *

Friday February 22nd, 2013

Dear Kurt,

I still miss you, and movie week in Glee was awesome. I already told you about it, but it was truly amazing. I felt like we were all united in a way that we haven't really been all year, even though it was girls versus boys. Shout was a ton of fun and it was cool to take lead with Brittany for a change. Danger Zone/ Old Time Rock n Roll was the best though. It was just amazing. I really hope there's video I can send you because we were in perfect form. The girls were excellent with their Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend/ Material Girl mash up but I think we showed them up.

You were quieter than I expected throughout our phone conversation today, though and I think there's more to it than your claim of tiredness. I just really hope it wasn't something I unknowingly did? Okay, wow, that sounded self-centered. Because all of your problems have to stem from me, right? Anyways, I don't think it was me that caused you to be so quiet but I still worry. I'm promising myself now that if you still sound off next time we talk, I'm insisting you tell me. And your dad is doing fine Kurt, I promise I'm looking out for him (not that me writing this in a letter I'm not sending will help you, but I'll reassure you again whenever we speak next).

You're also going to have to give me an update on this whole Brody might be a drug dealer situation as soon as you know more.

That's all for now I think, just had some leftover happy and concerned to share.

Love,

Blaine

* * *

Friday February 22nd, 2013

Why does Mr. Schue always do that thing where he tries to make everyone happy by declaring us all the winners? That's not how these things work. There is a winner and a loser. Otherwise what is the point of pitting us against each other in the first place? Artie tried to claim that he needs everyone for his movie and that was why we tied but… he could have just asked us all anyways? Besides. It's not like he was going to make it an all-male or all female cast to begin with. Whatever. I don't understand why Mr. Schue does these things. At Dalton we never had this problem and we had _students_ in charge. I just don't know what to do with him sometimes.

-Blaine


	13. Feud

Monday February 25th, 2013

I talked to Rachel today. I have no idea _why_ I thought _that_ would be a good idea. Okay, maybe I do know why I thought it would be a good idea. I love her and she's my friend and she could talk to me about NYADA while Kurt was busy. But. _But_. It slipped my mind that Kurt is her best friend and roommate. And she's with Brody. I'm pretty sure she's been _encouraging_ Kurt to date guys who are in New York. Not that I can blame her or anything, but that's what she's been doing. And Rachel never has had very much tact, so she brought up the guy Kurt's seeing. His name is Adam and he's _British_ and he's older and taller and has great hair and is the lead soloist of one of the NYADA show choirs and he's charming and basically I'm screwed. I don't know why him and Kurt weren't official at Mr. Schuester's wedding, but from the sound of it they are now. And even if they aren't _I _would choose this Adam guy over me. Especially where he's never cheated. Basically I should not have talked to Rachel because now I can't get this guy out of my head and I just want to be able to be okay with Kurt dating other people. I have to be. But as long as I'm not in New York I would really rather only know whether or not he's with anyone and be spared any of the details. Maybe if I could somehow get Rachel and Finn back together she would start nudging Kurt back towards me. Or at least stop pushing him _away_ from me. Not that I would actually work to get Rachel and Finn back together, I don't want to involve myself in _that_ mess.

-Blaine

* * *

Tuesday February 26th, 2013

Today Artie, Tina, and I staged an intervention between Mr. Schue and Finn. Things have been a mess between them for a few days now, with Mr. Schue practically bullying Finn until he finally lost it and stormed out yesterday. It's just bad news for Regionals. After our loss at Sectionals all of us are a bit more on edge than usual about Regionals. We may have lost because Marley passed out rather than because of our set list, but the awful feeling of losing has stuck with all of us. Instead of kind of just assuming that we'll make it to Nationals like the assumption was last year, we all realize how easily a loss can come. So we staged an intervention and gave the two of them (as well as the rest of Glee club) an assignment for the week. Feuding. They have to sing a mash up of two songs by artists who are enemies. Originally we just meant it to be for the two of them, but after thinking about it for a minute we realized that it would be perfect for the new kids. They all seem to have problems with each other and we need them sorted out now or else we'll fall on our faces at Regionals.

Setting an assignment for glee wasn't even the weird part of my day. The weird part was Coach Sylvester calling Tina and I into her office and demanding we rejoin the Cheerios. I'm not entirely sure why she wants to drag unwilling people onto the Cheerios so late in the season, but apparently we help the teams diversity or something. We only joined for a day or two when it seemed as though glee club was over. For whatever reason, Coach is so desperate to force us into rejoining that she had a fake contract made up with my signature on it. I told her I'm too busy to rejoin. I have glee club and student council and about ten other clubs to worry about, I don't need to add the grueling schedule of being a Cheerio onto that. I also don't want to have to wear that Cheerio's uniform all of the time. At Dalton I loved how the uniform helped me blend in, but I don't feel the need to blend in any more in order to stay safe. I also don't want to stand out as one of the few male cheerleaders at this school.

Tina on the other hand told Coach that she rejoin, but was shut down… I really don't understand her sometimes. By sometimes, I mean all the time. I honestly thought Kurt was messing with me Sophomore year when he told me stories about her. I was fairly certain that he had made it all up. When we went to leave, Coach said she was going to make me come back and Becky _slapped me on the butt_. I don't understand these people.

Sam and I came up with a plan though. We're to take Coach Sylvester down. I shouldn't share any of the details here because there's always the chance that she'll find this somehow, but I personally think that our plan is a good one.

-Blaine

* * *

Wednesday February 27th, 2013

Sue moves really fast. She somehow managed to get me cement disguised as hair gel, a plane with a "Blaine is on the bottom" sign, and she managed to ruin my credit. I seriously do not understand how someone so conniving can still work at this school and _why_ she does, but there it is. We're solving our feud tomorrow with a mash up of I Still Believe by Mariah Carey and Superbass by Nicki Minaj. Now I have to go back to helping my parents restore their credit.

-Blaine

* * *

Saturday March 2nd, 2013

Finn left us on Thursday. All of the guys helped them pull off an awesome *Nsync and Backstreet Boys mash up, but Mr. Schue wasn't able to forgive him afterwards, so Finn left. From the sound of it, he went to New York and beat Brody up because Brody is a hooker. A high class one, but hooker. I don't know how Rachel finds these people but she does, and then I feel so bad for her because she gives her heart so easily only to discover a massive betrayal. She and Kurt have forgiven Santana now, though (they kicked her out because of something that went down with Brody earlier), and I guess that's good, I like that she is in the apartment again to look out for the two of them. They need someone who is better at reading people and will go out of their way to protect the people she loves. Not that Rachel and Kurt can't take care of themselves, just that Santana can be incredibly vicious and conniving when she wants to be.

After Mr. Schue and Finn's mash up, Coach Sylvester and I competed. She won as I only got one vote (Tina) but I'm not that bothered by it. It was all part of our plan. Yesterday, I had to rejoin the Cheerio's and get my uniform. The upside, is that I can add Cheerio's co-captain to my resume. The downside is that Coach is making me wear a _thong_. She threw a _thong_ at me while I was in her office. You would think that would constitute some form of sexual harassment, but whatever. This all helps mine and Sam's plan. Plus, at the end of the day glee club got together and sang Closer in the auditorium and it was just a ton of fun. Everyone seems to have gotten so much closer this week, leaving behind issues that they had with each other previously. I didn't realize what a big impact themed weeks in glee can have if they're postured the right way.

Now if only I could figure out why Kurt has been distant lately and _fix_ it, my life would be going relatively well. Definitely better than I could have imagined a few months ago.

-Blaine


	14. Guilty Pleasures

Sunday March 3rd, 2013

I don't know what's going on with me. I like Sam but I want Kurt back more than anything else. This crush on Sam is just so ridiculous. I know I don't have a chance with him, but then suddenly my mind is creating some sort of tension between us. He's one of my best friends and I just wish this crush would disappear because it's making things weird between us even though Sam has no idea how I feel. He's helped me so much since the break up and I would hate to lose his friendship over such a silly thing. I don't know what to do about it except hope it does away and try not to stare _too_ dreamily at him when he gets all excitedly adorable. Sigh... it's not my fault that his lips are so entrancing.

-Blaine

* * *

Monday March 4th, 2013

I caught Sam stealing pasta from the cafeteria today and immediately thought it was to support his family, so I gave him some money only to have him bring me down the hall to one of the art rooms. Apparently, he has been using it to create macaroni masterpieces. Which sounds _absurd_ but they were actually really amazing. He did one of Kurt, which was stunning and somehow really managed to capture him, especially his hair. Because he shared his guilty pleasure with me however, he wanted me to share one of mine with him. It was tempting to tell him that my guilty pleasure was _him_ but I didn't because I have a brain and I don't want to scare him when I expect nothing to come of this crush. I said Wham! instead. I do really love them, so I wasn't lying exactly, but it definitely wasn't the whole truth.

Tina stopped by after that and told us that glee was cancelled for the week because Mr. Schue is sick. After she left, Sam and I decided that we should do something. Feud week was such a success and it was really great to share secrets with each other, so we thought we could pull off another themed week. Guilty Pleasures. The goal is for everyone to perform a song by an artist that they secretly love. After we performed Wake Me Up Before You Go Go, everyone seemed excited about the idea. Besides movie week, I don't think I've seen anyone this excited for a glee assignment in months.

-Blaine

* * *

Wednesday March 4th, 2013

For one terrifying but glorious moment yesterday I thought Sam was going to tell me that he had a crush on me. Instead he confessed his love of Barry Manilow. Which is apparently worse. I think that's a good sign that he wouldn't feel weird if I confessed my crush? I don't know. Anyways, today he told me that haven't been honest during guilty pleasures week so… apparently I need to set an example for everyone else. And I'm not entirely sure what to do about it. Sam seemed to be hinting at me hiding something, but it can't be _that_ so I'm at a loss. Maybe I'll do some Phil Collins? I really love him.

-Blaine

* * *

Thursday March 5th, 2013

The choir room has been feeling different since people worked out their major issues with each other last week. There's a family feeling that has been lacking since last year. At first it confused me that we were getting better as a group without Mr. Schue and Finn guiding us, but I think they were actually hindering us in a way. I mean, Mr. Schue has barely been present since Grease because he's been away, and then he was focused on his wedding and fighting with Finn, but I think a major part of our trouble was coming Finn. Not that he's a bad leader or anything, but after the past two weeks, I get the feeling that he was unintentionally holding us back. The choir room just feels entirely different without last year's seniors here. It used to be bad feeling. After Kurt left, it felt emptier, but as time has worn on, graduates returning (or running the group) has just felt… weird. It's as though when they're here, all of this year's seniors sink back into that place where last year's group is in charge and has the floor.

When Santana came back and performed with us during Grease it was definitely obvious that things were weird, because she was taking someone else's spot in a _high school_ show. Mercedes and Mike being there was a bit weird, but not in the same way. And as Grease was also our first real performance since they all graduated (we're pretending that our Brittany Spears performance never happened), it was mostly just weird that they were working with us behind the scenes, coaching us, instead of performing. After that though, I don't think them coming here has been all that helpful. Including Finn. Objectively their advice and coaching has actually been a good thing, but I think part of the reason why we have had such trouble becoming one family this year is because when they are here, they lead while everyone else sits and pays attention. Meaning that all of us seniors haven't had much of a voice this year. Us not having a voice seems to suspend discussion amongst the group and it turns into just another class where no one really interacts.

Being left to our own devises though? We seem to thrive then. We're really good at coming together as a team, in a way that last year's seniors rarely did. Being able to lead the group sometimes is also just really rewarding because I love seeing what they all come up with when a random but broad assignment is put in front of them. Plus when you're running it, you can't possibly have your song choice shot down, right?

-Blaine

* * *

Friday March 6th, 2013

Yesterday I sang Against All Odds and it was surprisingly cathartic. I sang it because it is both a Phil Collins song and a really excellent love song that I could sing because of Sam, but singing it actually made me realize something. I think the wound from everything that has happened between Kurt and I this year has healed. I mean, I'm not… I've changed. I'm a different person than I was before and I think it's a good thing. I can stand on my own two feet these days. I don't need the Warblers or Kurt or anyone else to make me feel rooted and safe. I have a wider range of people to rely on. I'm a _leader_ now. I know I was the lead soloist for the Warblers and that made me a defacto leader, but it wasn't the same as this. Now I'm making decisions and working for the group rather than making sure whatever songs we sang were the best they could be. It's an interesting feeling.

In contrast to yesterday's revelation, today was quite scary. Sam found me after school playing the piano in the auditorium and he sort of… confronted me about my crush. Confronted is a strong word. Sam talked to me about my crush. Apparently he would be offended if I wasn't attracted to him. He also said it didn't change anything which is… amazing. And I'm not making up the tension I guess because Sam said it was flattering. I honestly don't know what to make of our conversation except that Sam is an amazing person and friend. I'm so glad that he is totally cool with it because I don't know how I would have made it through the rest of the school year if I ended up feeling embarrassed every time I saw him.

Sam is just one of those people who – Kurt's calling me! I have to go.

-Blaine


	15. Shooting Star

Tuesday March 12th, 2013

I take back everything I said last week. This year's New Directions knows exactly how to create too much drama. Ryder is getting more and more frenetic about this internet person who is apparently catfishing him and I don't even know what's going on with that and I really don't _want _to because it will only end badly. In the series of Brittany coming up with crazy things, she claims there's a deadly asteroid coming, which of course caused Mr. Schue (who finally recovered from a _week long_ illness) to create an assignment in which we all sing last songs to each other to get in touch with the feeling of last chances. It would be a fine assignment except that it just seems really insensitive and a lot to demand of teenagers who probably view glee as their escape from the world. I just don't even know. Oh, we also sang to Brittany's cat, Lord Tubbington today so that was… interesting.

I'm really just hoping that I won't have to perform this week. It's just too… much.

-Blaine

* * *

Thursday March 14th, 2013

I planned on writing last night but my whole day went to hell halfway through the day when two _gun shots_ went off during school. Even just writing those words still seems weird. I feel like I've become part of a school shooting statistic or something. Although I'm not even sure if this falls under the umbrella of school shooting because a gun may have went off but they didn't _find_ a gun and no one reported seeing one. I'm so glad everyone was physically okay. I know we're all emotionally rattled and half of the school wasn't there today, but no one died or will suffer a permanent disability because of this so that's good.

Part of me wants to go into detail about it, but I don't think I will. I've already had to share my story with the ten people who called me yesterday, my parents, the police, and Kurt. That's not even factoring in the fact that I had to _live _it yesterday. Let's just say that it was terrifying and I thought I was going to die and I just couldn't stop wondering if everyone outside of the room was okay and _Tina_. At some point Artie decided he just _had_ to film us being trapped in there and asked everyone for statements and I just _couldn't._ I have too much to say to people, too much left to do, that I couldn't even say some stupid words into a camera to comfort my family in case the worst happened.

Towards the end, Mr. Schue went and found Brittany in the bathroom and then a SWAT team came by and gave us the all clear (I have never felt such relief in my life. Not even when I kissed Kurt and he kissed my back). When Sam and Brittany were reunited it just… it immediately made me think of Kurt and wish his was there. Well. I didn't actually want him to _be_ there because no one should have to go through something like that, but I wish I could have hugged him after it was all over because he is probably the most important person in my world.

Since I couldn't hug him, I compromised by calling my mom (she was a _wreck_) and then sent Kurt a text to let him know I was okay. I'm not even sure if he knew at that point because I'm pretty sure he has his three hour acting class on Wednesday's. I'm really glad he probably didn't know until later. He gets worked up when he has to sit through commercial breaks on Project Runway, so waiting for updates on a possible shooter situation at the high school he just graduated from? Probably not a good thing for him to have to do.

Anyway, I called my mom and we (dad included) ended up staying up most of the night talking and hugging and pulling out stupid things from my childhood while attempting to get a good skype connection to Cooper. It wasn't a terrible way to spend my night. Although getting to school today was not helped by it. It would have been difficult no matter what though so I guess it was okay.

They put in metal detectors last night. I understand why they did it, but it's weird. I never expected McKinley to be like one of those schools you see one TV. Now we all have to get to school earlier so they can ensure none of us are bringing guns. It's insane. I understand it. But I don't really agree with it. There must be a different way to accomplish making the school a safer place. I should get student council to work on that. Being in the choir room was the most scared I've ever been in my life though. Seeing Tina in the hallway didn't help much either. She had just as bad a time during the lockdown as we did even though she was safely away from the school. I can't even imagine being stuck outside while all of your friends are in the building with a shooter. She's a strong person.

We all sang Say by John Mayor after school today in the auditorium and while none of us were too keen on the idea of staying in that building longer than necessary, it was lovely to be able to gather and just _sing_ together. Which reminds me that Mr. Schue wasn't there for that and I'm using this as another example as to why Mr. Schue might not be the best leader for us anymore.

Okay, time to write a letter to Kurt that I have no intention of ever sending him and then I need to _sleep_ because boy am I tired.

-Blaine

* * *

Thursday March 14th, 2013

Dear Kurt,

I know that you heard about the shooting and then we talked about it the next day, but I couldn't say this over skype without making you worry. I was so scared. I didn't know if Tina had gotten out or not, Sam was going crazy because Brittany was in the bathroom, and everyone just kept talking and texting and having their phones go off and it was _horrible_. I thought that I was going to die behind that piano with no without being able to tell you I love you one final time.

I thought I wouldn't be able to hug my parents one last time or apologize for all the crying and not talking to them I did in October and November. I got to do all of that last night though. We just spent the whole night together hugging and talking and I think that's the closest we've been since I transferred to Dalton.

I don't want to say that I'm _grateful_ for the shooting (even though no one physically got hurt or had a gun pointed at them, it was still traumatizing), but it did give me that with my parents which was amazing.

Coach Sylvester got fired as a result, and now Coach Roz is back? The one that makes Coach Sylvester seem normal, or at least nice? I don't know what to make of her exactly, but the conversation she had with Becky and I about our co-captaincy made me suspect that Becky knows something about what happened. I think she was there and that there's more to the story. Coach Sue would do anything to protect her so I don't know... I want to get to the bottom of it.

I hope our gun scare here didn't throw you too far off track on your work, I know you're really busy between Vogue, NYADA, activities, and just living in New York.

All of my love,

Blaine

PS I'm really excited that you'll be visiting Lima soon.

* * *

Friday March 15th, 2013

Kurt broke up with Adam. _Kurt_ broke up with Adam. Kurt _broke up with_ Adam. I kind of feel like I could fly. That's easily the best news I've heard all month. I'm not even going to pretend that it's too bad that they broke up because it's not. I mean, I don't want Kurt to be hurting, but… it sounds as though they're still going to be friends so… I don't have to be sad that _he's _sad.

I know Kurt didn't really mean to mention it to me – it definitely sounded as though he accidentally let it slip – but I'm so glad I know. It means I don't have to worry about thoughts of what might be going on between them sneaking up on me. And I don't have to consider that fact that Adam could be better for Kurt. I have to worry about _other_ guys seeking him out (because let's face it, Kurt is hot and is an even more amazing person) now I guess, but I'm not going to think about that today. Today I'm going to be happy that while Kurt may not be with _me_ on our anniversary, he's not with anyone else. I'll take what I can get.

Speaking of anniversary's, IT'S MINE AND KURT'S TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF OUR FIRST KISS. Which, okay, I did envision us spending differently… as in not broken up and hopefully maybe in the same place or at least sending little gifts to each other and then getting Kurt to kick his roommates out and, well, have a dinner date via skype and indulge in some skype sex. Obviously that's not what happened, but Kurt called me and we talked for a few hours and it just… it felt normal again. There's definitely a bit of awkwardness between us still because he's nervous about bringing up his dating life and I have to try not to complain about Finn or bring up anything remotely in the realm of cheating but aside from that? I'm pretty sure that our friendship is finally officially back to the level it used to be. I can tell him pretty much anything and I think he feels the same way again, and it's just really wonderful to feel like that. I've missed it. It's… I feel like I'm at a place where I'm finally ready to be with him again. Not that I wouldn't have said yes if he were ready sooner, just that I have a support system again and the two of us are communicating fairly well, and I'm no longer drowning in a constant sense that McKinley is empty without Kurt. I'm more prepared to re-enter into our relationship than I was last year around this time if I actually think about it. I don't know if I'm being too hopeful or not, but I think he might be ready too.

I just hope that the shooting didn't make him feel pressure to be ready though. I don't want us falling apart again because one of us isn't actually ready for it. As scared as I am about someone else swooping in and stealing him, I do realize that if we were to get back together only to break up shortly after, that would probably be it. I just hope Kurt's completely ready again soon, because he's coming to visit the week before Regionals and I kind of want to see if we can get back together then.

-Blaine


	16. Sweet Dreams

Monday March 18th, 2013

Today was our first real day back in glee club since the shooting. By which I mean, it was our first day back in the choir room for some rehearsing and it was _weird_. Not even because we were back there under normal circumstances, but because it seems to have effected everyone in a different way and it shows. Sam in particular. He's pretending to have an identical twin named Evan who is him half the time and I'm really worried about that. Of course Mr. Schue doesn't even seem to care really, he's too busy yelling at us about how we lost Sectionals and we need to do everything he says and work really hard. Basically he's just being awful and shutting everyone down instead of trying to build our spirits up. Sometimes I really wonder why everyone from last year's New Direction's seemed to love him because he makes some seriously questionable decisions in all aspects of his life and he is definitely not qualified to be a teacher. To be honest, I'm still not entirely convinced that McKinley is a real place.

Anyways, there's nothing I can do about that right now. Mr. Schue presented us with a set list that's… well, it's lacking in any recent music. Which is fine. They're all good songs, but he refused to listen to any of our input. It's _our_ glee club, not his. We should at least be able to have a _discussion_ about the set list. And the fact that he just shut Marley down every time she tried to say something is awful. Maybe Rachel was on to something when she would get up and yell and demand things. Because at least last year we were doing songs from this decade. So I called a secret meeting in the auditorium to talk to everyone about the set list because we are going to _lose_ to the other teams at Regionals with this thing. Mr. Schue is losing touch.

It was exciting that all of the seniors agreed with me, and the new kids all seemed on board. Marley even suggested doing original songs (which I am all for, seeing as how that's how New Directions beat the Warblers two years ago), but we didn't end up even hearing any of them. We did create a new set list though and I'm going to present it to Mr. Schue tomorrow. Let's hope it goes well.

-Blaine

* * *

Tuesday March 19th, 2013

The song ideas did not go well. Mr. Schue yelled at Sam for the Evan thing, Unique for "the boob thing" and said he was disappointed in _me_. And I know he's wrong to be disappointed in me because I'm pretty sure that I'm being a good student leader here by fighting for what the group wants in a polite way but it still hurt for him to say that. I don't like disappointing people. It's not _my_ fault that he's too much of a jerk to listen to any of us these days. If I have to hear about our loss at Sectionals one more time I am going to scream. Who abandoned us for Sectionals? Him. What caused us to lose? Well it sure as hell wasn't our set list. It was apparently _Kitty_ who pushed Marley into her eating disorder and who let Kitty in? Most importantly though, who got us our spot in Regionals? Sam and I. We were the ones who got us back while Mr. Schue was off working with the Show Choir Commission or whatever.

Also, who's problem is it that he skipped getting coffee so he could get to glee? It's certainly not ours. It's his _job_ to be here and ready for us. What certainly isn't part of his job is berating all of us for things that don't affect him or for taking the initiative to propose different song options. If we were last year's New Directions we probably would have just made our own set list and sung that without telling him. He shouldn't be yelling at us because he's fighting with Finn or whatever and is too much of an idiot to look at how his own actions are actually the things that have been screwing him over. This is definitely one of those times when I really miss having a council that… well, okay, they didn't always listen that well and people got angry about silly things, but they at least didn't insult _you_ for your ideas or way of existing. They just kind of… exclaimed about how crazy they thought your idea was even though you were merely suggesting a duet. Anyways, what was I saying? Oh yeah. Mr. Schue needs to get his shit together because if he keeps acting like this I'm going to force everyone to quit because none of us should ever feel harassed by our teachers. Especially in glee club of all places where we should feel free to be ourselves.

Time to go think of another way to make Mr. Schue change our set list. Maybe I should give Kurt a call and see if he has any ideas.

-Blaine

* * *

Friday March 22nd, 2013

On Wednesday, Marley gathered Sam, Unique, Brad and I in the auditorium and we sang one of her songs. It was really, really amazing. And she apparently wrote it in a day or two because she said it was to make us feel better. Marley wrote a song about us and friendship. I know I don't mention her much in here, but she really is a wonderful friend and she's grown so much this year. Unfortunately, she didn't want to show her songs to Mr. Schue though because he made it clear that he doesn't want to hear it. Which brings me to today. After complimenting a few of us in a somewhat creepy manner, he actually _apologized_ for his behavior. And then he welcomed Finn back and asked Marley to teach us one of her songs. I have a few doubts about his sudden change in behavior, but so far so good.

In other news, Coach Roz met with Becky and me the other day (did I mention she's taking over for Coach Sylvester? Because she is) and kind of scared me a bit by questioning my co-captaincy. I've never done a cheerleading routine so I understand her concerns but she thinks I'm going to _hex _her or something. Where does McKinley even get these people? In some ways, Coach Roz makes Coach Sylvester appear sane and reasonable though. Coach Sylvester forged signatures. Coach Roz accused me of putting a hex on Coach Sylvester and made us take a pledge and blood oath (which she luckily dropped). Really though they need to screen these people.

The one odd thing about that whole experience – okay, maybe it wasn't the _one_ odd thing, but it was non Coach Roz related. Becky made a comment that made it sound as though she was with Coach Sylvester when her gun went off. I'm not really sure what to make of it, but when I chased her down to ask about it she got really upset and stormed off (harming a poor defenseless xylophone in the process). I don't know what I'm supposed to do about that. Do I tell someone? I was going to discuss it with Kurt today but before I got the chance, Rachel grabbed the phone and spent a half hour gushing about her Funny Girl audition and I just couldn't bear to bring them down so I just didn't say anything. Maybe I'll talk to Sam about it. He's good at investigating things.

-Blaine


	17. Lights Out

Monday March 25th, 2013

Kurt's visiting next week. And we get to find out if Burt's cancer is in remission or not. I hope it is. He's been doing so well at eating right and he's been going to his appointments and they got it early, so I bet it will be, but you never know with cancer and please can his results just be good? If not for me, then for Kurt?

On the McKinley front, the power went out today and they don't know why and they weren't able to get it back on again. I would be surprised but this is McKinley so really I'm just shocked that it didn't happen sooner. We're doing unplugged week because of it, though, which should be fun. I do really miss the sound of a capella.

-Blaine

* * *

Wednesday March 27th, 2013

Kurt, Santana, and Rachel all got to go to the New York City Ballet Gala last night because of Kurt's work at Vogue and I'm really jealous of all of them. It sounds like they had an _amazing_ time. Lately I've been okay with the fact that they're all in New York while I'm stuck in Lima still, but hearing about that just made me wish so hard that I was there with them. As much as I've come to love this year's New Directions family, I would give anything to have graduated last year and to be in New York this year. Most of that doesn't even have to do with the fact that Kurt and I would probably still be together if we were in the same grade. I've just always known that I was missing out on this faster paced world and now hearing about my friends getting to experience it so thoroughly makes me _jealous_. Someone played a cruel joke on me when they put me in the grade below all of them.

Okay, enough wallowing. I tracked Coach Sylvester down yesterday at her exercise class and – after thinking that the cute guy in front of me was eyeing me only to discover he was looking at the girl behind me (I was sad for about five minutes and then I had to laugh at myself because I want _Kurt_ who cares about the random straight guy in exercise class trolling for girls) – admitted that I rejoined the Cheerio's to bring her down, which I think impressed her. I wasn't there to tell her that though, so I expressed my concerns about Coach Roz (she makes Coach Sylvester look _nice_) I asked her what happened with the gun. And told her that she needs to set the record straight because I just know that her story isn't the whole truth. Something is missing. Something to do with Becky. I think she might actually be considering returning to us.

Today Ryder told us all that he was sexually abused. It was… _god…_ sometimes I complain about my problems and then someone else mentions theirs and I realize how lucky I am. Especially because at least when I tell people I got beat up at a dance they don't try to _high five _me or tell me that I should count myself as lucky. Ugh. I need to have a talk with Artie and Sam about their behavior in that regards because it was atrocious.

-Blaine

* * *

Friday March 29th, 2013

Compared to the rest of the week (and life at McKinley in general), the last two days were rather boring as far as school was concerned. We did a few more fun a cappella performances and the power (finally) came back on today. I think I'm going to miss everyone performing a capella. I've missed being able to easily hear everyone's voices blending, and having female voices in there too is wonderful. Yesterday Becky apparently confessed to the gun that went off being _hers,_ which… I wasn't too surprised, but I'm not sure what's going to happen to her now? I really hope charges won't be pressed. Even more than that, I hope she gets to stay because if I'm stuck on the Cheerio's I would like to at least have a co-captain who's shorter than me.

On the Kurt front, things are a little more exciting. He's coming home this weekend! I'm not sure if _things_ are going to happen between us this time around, although he's no longer seeing anyone so… maybe? But it would be okay if nothing happens. I just want to see him and hang out with him and hear that Burt's going to be okay and really I just want to hug him. I'm just really excited. Okay okay, I'm going to go do homework now (yes I _do _ know it's a Friday night) so I have more time to maybe hangout with Kurt this week between Regionals rehearsals.

-Blaine


	18. Wonder-ful

Monday April 1st, 2013

Kurt's home! He came home yesterday after he finished the papers he had due for his midterms and then he took the train to Lima. I didn't get to see him yesterday because he was exhausted and needed family time, but I got to see him today. Mercedes and Mike were also there and I... it was nice to see all of them. I'm not entirely sure about the way Mercedes was talking to all of us as though she knows everything now that she's in LA, but I can't even bring myself to be too irked by it because Kurt's back.

We went to the Lima Bean after school today, granted Mike and Mercedes were with us, but it was reminiscent of back before I transferred to McKinley and Kurt and I would meet some of his friends at the Lima Bean. Only with the difference of me being friends with them now and them only being in town for the week. Mercedes and Mike got there ahead of us though, so I got to order my coffee with Kurt.

I tried to flirt with him a little before we sat at the table but I'm not sure how well he took it. He has a lot on his mind what with his dads test this week, but I'm pretty sure that he's not interested in hooking up with me this visit. Which is fine. I was hoping but maybe this is for the best. I'm... well, ever since the shooting I've been seriously toying with the idea of asking Kurt to marry me. I haven't told anyone yet, but seeing Kurt today confirmed how much I really want to do this.

I know it's a risky move on so many different levels, but I _want_ to marry Kurt. I _want_ to be with him for the rest of my life, and this may be the only chance I get to ensure that he marries me and not someone else. I know Adam and him broke up a few weeks ago, but someone else could come sweeping in at any moment. Kurt is a catch and I can't blame the guys in New York for being able to spot that. I just think that making a grand gesture like a proposal might be the best way to win him back. Obviously I might have to reconsider my plan after we find out about Burt tomorrow, but I just want to be with Kurt again if I can.

To be honest, I'm also just really sick of having to answer the question "what's going on with you two?" with a questioning glance at Kurt and then a "we're just friends," because we're not just friends. We've never been just friends. I hate the idea that Kurt and I are "just" anything to each other. A little bit of this desire to propose may also be because I'm excited that it's beginning to look as though we'll soon be able to get married legally with federal recognition.

We complement each other incredibly well. I hadn't forgotten that we do, but today reminded me of that. He started displaying some OCD- esque behaviors while we were drinking our coffee and, well, I picked up on something being wrong long before Mercedes and Mike did. He's stressed about his dad. I mean, of course he is, it really doesn't take a genius to figure /that/ out, but he needn't be this worried. I've been checking up on him and he's been going to all of his appointments and Carol and I have even compared notes on our prostate cancer research. We have done all that we can and Burt's going to be okay. I can feel it.

Aside from Kurt being back, it was nice to get to hang out with Mike again! The two of us haven't talked in ages. He was at Mr. Schue's wedding a month ago but we never got the chance to do more than say hi. Which reminds me, if I get the chance later this week I'm going to have to ask him about Mercedes because I definitely saw them dancing together at the wedding and I get the feeling that _something_ is going on there. They may not be dating, but there's definitely some interest on both sides. Granted I don't know if I should ask because then I would be obligated to share that gossip with Tina and I'm really not all that sure if that's the kind of thing I should be telling her about? She gives off the appearance that she has moved on from Mike and that their break up wasn't heartbreaking, but they dated for years. Even if it was the most amicable thing in the world, I would imagine that it would be difficult to let someone go after that long, especially when they meant so much for so long and you aren't able to move on to the next stage in your life for another year. Therefore I'm not certain that I'd want to tell her anything but she's one of my best friends so I wouldn't want to lie to her... I don't know. I will figure it out. In the meantime, I should call Kurt to tell him to calm down and sleep, and then I need to finish my homework.

-Blaine

* * *

Wednesday April 3rd, 2013

Burt's cancer is in remission! I didn't get to go to the doctor's appointment because it was during school and Kurt was here to go instead, but they called me afterwards to let me know how it came out. I'm really happy he's okay. I don't know what I would have done (I have no clue what Kurt would have done either) if the report had been anything other than remission. Burt means so much to me. I know I rarely talk about him, but he's an incredibly important person to me. Not as important as Kurt obviously, but he's up there. Burt is just an incredible person whom I greatly admire. He raised the amazing person that is Kurt mostly on his own. He attempted to embrace his differences when he was a kid, and instead of responding with stunned silence when Kurt came out he told him that he would always love him, that it didn't change anything. He also didn't kill me when he found me in his sons bed with a hangover... or when I insisted he give Kurt the sex talk a week or two later and then started dating him. I do not know what I was thinking when I did that.

He's helped me so much since Kurt and I broke up. He didn't murder me after that either. Instead he invited me to New York with him for Christmas to see Kurt. Of course he did warn me that it would be a surprise and that I might not be able to sleep at Kurt's place, but he still invited me along and had enough faith in our relationship to make my presence in New York, Kurt's Christmas present. His faith in us has given me more confidence about the situation than practically anything else these last few months. If I have Burt's blessing then I have a chance with Kurt.

Aside from all of that, I really do love Burt a lot purely because I like talking to him and watching games with him. We join forces in teasing Kurt occasionally and every once in a while he used to make me stay at the house when Kurt had to bail halfway through a date for Rachel drama just to talk sports with him and make him some (heart healthy) cookies. I think he has tried harder and more successfully than any other adult in my life to actually spend some time with me and get to know me. I mean, my parents obviously know me fairly well, but Burt is the only person outside of them who seems to actively try and it's just really… wonderful. I've enjoyed being able to build on that this year despite being broken up with Kurt and him being in New York. I know going to the occasional doctor's appointment with a person might not be most people's idea of fun but I was just so grateful that he, Kurt, and Carol trusted me with that task. I should also mention that he was done a wonderful job in Congress, despite all the barriers to anything getting done in there these days.

Now for the real story behind this entry: As I mentioned the other day, I want to propose to Kurt in the near future. In a guy-guy relationship the rules aren't as clear cut as to the proposal protocol – I know that they're not with straight couples either, but at least it's easy to follow through with the norm of the guy proposing – as they are for straight couple, so I don't think it would be an _issue_ if I didn't ask for Burt's permission, but I want to. I respect him and I trust him and I want to know that I have his blessing if nothing else. I have to find out when he'll have the chance to talk with me, but I'm hoping it can be soon. Burt means the world to Kurt, and I want to respect that relationship by checking in with Burt before I ask.

Kurt sang You Are the Sunshine of My Life to Burt during rehearsal today and it was just so _fun_. I don't think I've seen Kurt that happy and carefree since… I don't know, it's been far too long. I don't know if it's New York that's treating him well or if it's just the knowledge that Burt's in remission, but I'm glad he's happy. And it was so refreshing to have him sing an upbeat song in the choir room. I'm not sure if I've ever seen him do that with a solo.

Tomorrow. I'm going to ask Burt tomorrow. Time to sketch out some plan of what I want to say. I can't screw this up.

-Blaine

* * *

Thursday April 4th, 2013

I asked Burt if for his permission to marry Kurt and he said no. Okay, he actually didn't say _no_ but he never said yes either. I was expecting a yes. It didn't even cross my mind that he wouldn't. He was supposed to say yes... I don't know. He did make some good points from a logic standpoint, but I don't think he quite gets it? Yes I do believe that things will work out between Kurt and me. We're _soulmates,_ how could they not? But I'm worried that without this grand gesture, Kurt will slip through my fingers and get caught up in another New York guy. I mean, he started dating someone three months after we broke up. He has options and it's not like when we first started dating where we knew each other for months beforehand. I might not have any warning before he starts dating someone else. If that happens, I just want Kurt to go into it with the knowledge that, when he's ready, I want to marry him. I'm committed to him and us and I just want to be able to offer him some proof of that. Even if he's not ready to get married now.

One of the things that Burt told me that stuck in my mind is that marrying a person and marrying an idea are two different things. I think I understood what he meant by that, but I'm sure how that applies to Kurt and me. Kurt and I were practically a married couple before he left for New York. We always were. I know marrying for real would bring some legal things into it and we would be treated as a unit instead of kids, but I'm not really sure what would be bad about that? I mean, we wouldn't even get married right away. We would be engaged until I graduate at least. That would give us time to plan out our own apartment and everything.

At least he seemed to agree with me that Kurt and I aren't the same as Finn and Rachel. I think he really believes in us. He just wants me to wait a few years to propose. Which is fine. But I... I don't know. I really want to propose. Kurt is the love of my life and I'm terrified that I'll lose him if I don't demonstrate my commitment to him with such a grand gesture.

I guess I should think it over some more. Maybe I could just start small... ask him out to coffee. I haven't really initiated our hangouts since it happened so that would be a good step. I now have proof that he will in fact set foot in the Lima Bean, so perhaps I'll see if he wants to go there and it'll be just like the last two years.

-Blaine

* * *

Friday April 5th, 2013

I had this grand plan involving just _asking_ Kurt on a date today. It fell through though. Ironically because I didn't have the courage to ask him. I got _so close_ but then I ended up just asking him to stay for Regionals. I think he may have actually been a bit disappointed that that was what I asked him. He was, well he was almost flirting with me like he used to and then I had to blurt out the Regionals thing instead of asking him to Breadstix. Because I figured I should at _least _ask him to dinner if I was going to ask him out at all. Instead I asked him to stay for _Regionals_. What on earth am I doing.

I forgot how nervous Kurt makes me sometimes. I've been more of an anxious nervous around him since October, but now I'm stomach fluttering nervous and it's a good change, but boy does it make it hard to ask him out on a simple date. Of course, no first date with Kurt is _simple_ but we've been on hundreds of dates. This shouldn't be so daunting even if we are currently broken up.

-Blaine

* * *

Sunday April 7th, 2013

I know Burt said that I should wait longer before proposing to Kurt. He did have some fair points on the topic and I don't really want to propose to Kurt without his blessing, but I'm going to go ring shopping tomorrow anyways. I want... well, I want to get married to Kurt as soon as possible because he's the love of my life and the world just lights up when I'm with him, but getting married so young might be an issue. Especially because we're currently broken up. Maybe getting him a promise ring instead would make more sense. I know I gave him one last year, but it was made out of gum wrappers and isn't something that can really be worn often.

You know what? No. I am going to propose to Kurt. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Why should I have to wait just because society frowns upon marriages at a young age. The GLBT community is finally getting to a place where the US is allowing us to marry the people that we love, so why can't I take advantage of that now when I know who I want to marry?

I just need to make sure that he knows how serious I am about him. Besides, he deserves a grander gesture than me asking him on a mere date. We've done dates before. We've done promise rings. This time I want to give him something solid and lasting.

-Blaine


	19. All of Nothing

Monday April 8th, 2013

I don't know if I mentioned this before, but Regionals is at McKinley. I'm not sure how we keep getting the right to have competition here, but it's nice to not have to deal with raising bus money. More people tend to come support us when it's here too. If it had been in Indianapolis or something I would never have been able to ask Kurt to stay. Then again, it's really lucky that his spring break has some overlap or else he would have only been here for Burt's doctor's appointment.

The competition being here also helps my plans to propose to Kurt. Step one of that plan was put in place today. I told Tina and Sam that I'm going to propose. Sam… didn't take it well. He got mad at me because I'm too young and I'll apparently regret it like he regretted marrying Brittany. He just doesn't understand how much it means that me and other people like me are so close to finally being granted the right to marry with federal recognition. We've been oppressed for generations and now is our time.

Tina was on my side though, she seems very excited about it all, and she at is going to visit the jewelry store with me on Wednesday! I'm glad I'll have someone there with me, because this proposal is happening whether or not Kurt or anyone else is on board with it. If Sam comes around to the idea, he's going to be my best man. I hope he decides to support me – us.

-Blaine

* * *

Tuesday April 9th, 2013

We finalized the set list today! We're performing Hall of Fame, I Don't Care, and then Marley and I are singing a duet for one of her songs, All or Nothing. Marley actually told me that I helped inspire a bit of it and she wanted me to be her duet partner because aside from the prior competition experience I have, she knows that the song resonates with me. She played it for me a few weeks ago and I was awestruck.

Aside from the set list (which I seriously can't believe we came up with _three days_ before the performance), my day was crazy. Admittedly, when I say my day was crazy, I'm referring more to the days of people around me rather than things that happened directly to me, but they still have relevance to my life. And they kept me from visiting Kurt after school today.

Brittany returned and then immediately started acting weirdly, demanding all the solos and being incredibly rude to everyone else. She then broke up with Sam _via text _while he was trying to talk to her. I do not understand. It makes me so glad that any of Kurt and my dramatics have never been that insane. I don't know what to do about it, or even if I'm supposed to do anything? I don't know. I should stop looking up rings now and go to bed. I'll find one tomorrow when I go shopping with Tina!

-Blaine

* * *

Wednesday April 10th, 2013

Before I go into ring talk I should probably tell you what happened in Glee today, because it was more drama than usual. Ryder stormed out in the middle of class because of this cat fishing thing that he's dealing with. He demanded that catfish reveal him or herself and, well, after a long pause, Marley said it was her. And he stormed out. The thing is... I don't think it's actually Marley doing it. I'm not sure who it is, but Marley doesn't trick people ever. She just doesn't. Plus, I don't know, the two of us hang out sometimes and I don't ever get the feeling that she would have any reason to use a fake identity to get Ryder to talk somewhat openly with her. I don't know who I suspect of doing it because I'm just trying to stay out of it, but she would be near the bottom of my list. Ok. Now on to the fun stuff!

Tina and I went to the mall after school to go ring shopping. For some reason, she started off looking for a ring for _her_ as though the two of _us_ were going to get engaged. She got back on task with a little bit of prodding though. Granted we didn't get to look too much before a salesperson, Jan, interrupted us. At first she thought Tina and I were getting married, and then she thought I was proposing to Sam. So that all was interesting. Especially because Sam _can't keep his mouth shut_ and thought it would be funny to make a joke about me wanting to sleep with him. Luckily the woman - Jan - was 100% not homophobic. In fact, she has a girlfriend. I'm getting ahead of myself though.

At first, Jan seemed a bit concerned about the fact that I was planning on getting engaged, but I think I talked her around to the idea. It was a bit awkward having to tell her that Kurt and I weren't actually dating at the moment but... that didn't seem to make her change her mind about anything. She's in agreement with me that when it's right, it's right. I was incredibly shocked though when she asked me to tell her about him. This was before I knew that she was dating a woman, and, it was just really nice to get to talk to someone about Kurt without worrying about what they'll tell him or if they're judging me about it. After I found out she was dating Liz, our conversation kind of just took off only to be interrupted a few minutes after by Sam _storming_ in.

He's still not happy about my plan to propose, but he's willing to support it and me if that's what I want. I'll get him to come around on that so that he's happy for me, but in the meantime, I'll take it. When he showed up, Jan thought he was "the guy" (which, seriously NO. I would not invite my soon to be finance along to buy his own engagement ring. I think I know Kurt's tastes well enough to do it without him thank you very much) and he told her that I _want to do him_. If Jan weren't so awesome I probably would have melted into the floor right then. One of these days I need to tell Sam that I'm over my crush on him, but now I'm beginning to think that would make him sad.

We ended up deciding that I should come back tomorrow and buy the ring then. There were a few I liked but I'm just not _sure_. Besides, Jan invited Kurt and I to dinner at Breadstix with them tomorrow night because the two of us don't have a gay mentor. I texted Kurt earlier about it, and I'm really hoping that he'll be interested in joining us. Both because I want to see him as much as possible and go out on a quasi double date with him, but also because I'm incredibly interested to hear their stories about growing up as gay youths so many years ago.

-Blaine

PS this is the last page of my journal, so I guess... it's time to get a new one? Hopefully I'll find get a chance to buy one in the next few days because I have this feeling that there will be _so much_ to write about.

* * *

**End Note:** I plan on writing an epilogue of sorts after the first two or three episodes of season 5 air. My intention with this fic was to put myself and the reader in something resembling Blaine's headspace for season four and I don't feel I can do the proposal storyline properly until we find out what actually happens. (Please note that I'm trying to remain as spoiler free as possible so I made no attempts to patch something together based on filming spoilers)


End file.
